Envisioning a 5-7 Season for Iowa State Football

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Iowa State’s football team should be looking up to Nebraska, Minnesota and San Jose State. Why? Because those are the three 5-7 teams who made bowl games in 2015… AND ALL THREE WON THEIR BOWL GAMES. That’s right folks, every 5-7 bowl team in history has won its bowl game. I’m no genius, but I’m pretty sure that means a 5-7 Iowa State team is guaranteed to win their bowl game.

This is exciting! The Cyclones can get to six wins this year! But in order to do that, they’ll need to win their final four games to end the regular season… here’s how that can happen.

Right now: 1-7

1-7 isn’t exactly great, but I’m willing to wager that Iowa State is the best 1-7 team in the nation. Other 1-7 teams include: Kansas (lol), Rice (good food, bad football), Florida Atlantic (good luck naming one player on their roster without looking it up), and Bowling Green (Memphis beat Bowling Green by 74, which is a lot of points).

Also, it’s a straight up fact that Oklahoma has not beaten a 1-7 team all season. They did beat 1-7 Kansas, but Kansas was only 1-6 at that point so it doesn’t really count. Could 1-7 teams be Oklahoma’s kryptonite? And we all know what happens when highly rated teams from the state of Oklahoma play weeknight games in Ames against Iowa State teams that have switched between two quarterbacks all season! (This data is not at all cherry picked and there is definitely a large enough sample size for accurate analysis).

That’s why Iowa State wins on Thursday. There’s too much voodoo in this game. The football gods want chaos, and chaos they will get. Iowa State wins 3-0 in overtime.

2-7

Kansas is next on the schedule for the Cyclones. Kansas is very bad at football. Their only win this season came against Rhode Island. Rhode Island is flaming garbage in every sport, so just by playing them, Kansas deserves another L. Don’t get me started on Rhode Island sports.

Anyway, back to Kansas. They’re horrible. Oklahoma beat them by 53 and Iowa State will beat Oklahoma by 3. By that logic Iowa State should win by 56, but we have to factor in Kansas’ home field disadvantage. Make it a 70-point win for Iowa State.

3-7

The Texas Tech matchup is a great one for Iowa State for one reason: Jacob Park is living, breathing, and has an arm attached to his body. That gives him a huge advantage over the Texas Tech defense, which has been unable to stop anyone with at least one of those three characteristics this season.

Iowa State scores 15 touchdowns against the Red Raiders in a 105-100 win, just barely clearing the 204.5 over/under. Allen Lazard gains 1,300 yards.

4-7

With one game left until a possible bowl game, Matt Campbell knows this is the most important game of the season. He makes some changes to the starting lineup, including putting Deshaunte Jones in at quarterback with Joel Lanning and Jacob Park both at wide receiver. Allen Lazard moves to left tackle and becomes the best offensive linemen Iowa State has had since Kelechi Osemele. Chase Allen’s redshirt is burned and he makes his debut as the tallest shutdown corner in college football. Demond Tucker’s switch from defensive tackle to free safety makes waves as well.

Lazard pancakes the opposing d-lineman on nearly every play. Joel Lanning catches 22 passes and finds the endzone five times. Tucker picks off Skyler Howard three times and takes them all to the house as the Cyclone crowd chants, “Brent Cur-Vey! Brent Cur-Vey!”

5-7

After the season ends, the Cyclones accept a bid to the newly-formed CyHawk bowl (played in North Dakota) against Iowa. Iowa State gets revenge on the Hawks by winning 63-0 in CJ “I can’t win unless it’s a meaningless game” Beathard’s career finale. Kirk Ferentz earns another five-year extension for coaching Iowa to their best bowl performance in five years. The Cyclones end with a 6-7 record and a top ten recruiting class, thanks to late signings of Eno Benjamin and AJ Epenesa.