In what could be the first occurrence in the history of Iowa State fandom, a Cyclone supporter has successfully gone a full year without having their heart figuratively ripped out of their chest due to the result of an ISU football or basketball game.
Bill Bernard, 36, of Ankeny, Iowa is the first known human being to accomplish the incredible feat. WRNL staffers first heard of Bernard over a drunken conversation at the bar, in which friends of Bernard alerted us to his existence. We decided to send a writer to Ankeny to ask Bernard how he's pulled off such an unbelievable task.
"Well, first, I had to ask a doctor to surgically remove both my eyes and my ears. That way I couldn't hear or see the result of any Iowa State football or basketball game," said Bernard, very loudly. "So far, it's been worth it."
We asked Bernard if he ever wants to find out the results of games with good outcomes for ISU, but he told us definitely not.
"If I got the good news, I'd know when the nut kicks happen between the positive reports," pointed out Bernard. "In the end, I have roughly a 500% chance of living a longer life if I just don't have any idea what goes on with the Cyclones at all."
"Over half a million people die from heart disease every year in the United States, and it's a commonly known fact that roughly half of those people are ISU fans who subject themselves to the results of Iowa State games."
When asked if he regrets not being able to see or hear things other than Cyclone sporting event results, Bernard had one thing to say.
"Does a bear shit in the ocean?"
Before leaving, we asked Bernard if he planned on taking any more measures to avoid feeling the pain that Iowa State fans feel every season.
"Yeah, I'm getting my manhood removed next Thursday."
More information about Bill Bernard and his methods of avoidance can be learned by reading our disclaimer.