clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

The WRNL Hotbox: The Bowlsby WINNERS!

New, 7 comments

Let's give Big XII basketball players arbitrary awards I made up, shall we?

THE BOWLSBY'S!
THE BOWLSBY'S!

Hello and welcome to the 2nd Annual Bowlsby's - the premier Oscar inspired Big XII awards show on the internet! It's amazing the network King Fitzy let the Hotbox host this joyous event for the second straight year. A bunch of very talented and graceful bunch of Big XII sports people went home with some RARE hardware. The Hotbox must have got just enough pop culture and current event #CLICKS to be granted this wonderful privilege. Thanks for that, Internet. But I think the real success came when the Hotbox correctly handed out Bowlsby's to the correct corresponding REAL award given by the actual Big XII BEFORE it even happened. Here, see for yourself. Yeah, I'm the tits.

But you're probably saying to yourself, "But Hotbox, almost all of those categories don't even correlate to what the Big XII gave out last year." And my response to that is SHUT UP I GOT BUDDY AND HUGGY BEAR RIGHT. I could have went three for three if I didn't turn the Best Picture into a punchline at the Big XII's expense. But two for two is PERFECT. 100%. Can't argue that science.

If you want to go #CLICK on the last month's nominees to these very prestigious awards, go right ahead. But if you're at all familiar with how these work, you'd know I'm just gonna say the nominees all over again. Gotta follow the exact setup as the Oscars here folks. You just read a very long and tense opening monologue, followed by hours of bad jokes and a bunch of people giving each other congratulatory handjobs.

Welcome to the Bowlsby's!

Best Supporting Actor

This award will go to the most important player for a team who is not the main dude. This dude doesn't usually put up the most points. This dude is out there to give the the team a second deadly weapon, either on offense or defense. But if this dude performs, his team is usually in a great position to succeed.

The nominees are:

Jordan Woodard- OU

Isaiah Cousins - OU

Monte Morris - ISU

Wayne Selden - KU

Jaysean Paige - WVU

Rico Gathers - BU

The Bowlsby goes to...

Jaysean Paige - WVU

Unbelievable. When the nominations were announced last month, Jaysean seemed to be on the outside looking in. The OU bros seemed to be running away with this one before the award season really got into full swing. Over the course of that month, Jaysean has shot up to #4 in total scoring in Big 12 play. That's almost worthy of Best Actor cred y'all. But alas, Heath Ledger posthumously won the Best Supporting Actor when he was most likely the best thing in the game at the time. It's just too bad that Batman's range can be adequately described by Ben Affleck and that justifies being the lead role. Jaysean really earned this award. He poured his heart into it.

Best Actor

This award is essentially the Big XII MVP award. This is the dude the Best Supporting Actor is supporting so he can ball the hell out. Not much explanation here.

The nominees are:

Buddy Hield - OU

Georges Niang - ISU

Perry Ellis - KU

Devin Williams - WVU

Isaiah Taylor - UT

The Bowlsby goes to...

Buddy Hield - OU

This one wasn't even in question all season long. Buddy ran away with this shit and hid after the first KU game. He and the OU have had their relative struggles over the past few weeks, but this one was never in doubt. Buddy will most likely take home National Player of the Year unless someone shits out their own dick and throws it into a basketball hoop about 20 times a game. That's what it will take, I think. I literal human dick-shitter who can ball out to the same or better degree as Buddy can with a basketball. I think Buddy still has the advantage, but I will always hold out hope for this mythical basketball messiah.

Best Director

This Bowlsby will go to the dude who has directed his team with the most grace and success. Some might call this the Coach of the Year Award. But this is the Bowlsby's so we're sticking with this whole Oscar schtick.

The nominees are:

Bill Self - KU

Lon Kruger - OU

Bob Huggins - WVU

Scott Drew - BU

Fred Hoiberg - Chicago Bulls

The Bowlsby goes to...

Bob Huggins - WVU

Like this is another no-brainer, right? The rest of these coaches have really good reputations and were, for the most part, expected to have good tournament bound teams. And yes, this includes Scott Drew. Our own coach (WHO WASN'T NOMINATED HMMMM) has developed his own ridiculous timeout calling tendencies. The Hotbox affectionately calls it the #BUCKETTIMEOUT. The #BUCKETTIMEOUT is utilized when after your own team scores a bucket after a seemingly long, and tiresome sequence occurs. It's supposed to give the team a breather after the frantic sequence that somehow ended in points for the good guys. This would be all well and good, if only the other team didn't get to use the same #BUCKETTIMEOUT for their own advantage as well. Cause you know, the other team has a coach with talented players on it as well and they can have their own ideas. And they use those ideas to score gobs of points against us right out of the ole' #BUCKETTIMEOUT.

Fuck it, Fred Hoiberg wins.

Best Picture

This award will go to the team that has performed the best so far this year. So many great teams that will be remembered. Truley, a year that will be celebrated for the ages.

The nominees are:

The Kansas Jayhawks

The Oklahoma Sooners

The West Virginia Mountaineers

The Bowlsby goes to...

The Kansas Jayhawks

Well for what seemed like a longer time than usual, OU had the best chance to win the most important award of the night. But they, like everyone else in the league, tripped all over their own balls and let KU prance to the championship yet again. Fuck us. Fuck the Big XII. But especially fuck Kansas.

There is no way I'm just gonna hand you this award with what you might call "class" or "grace". I'm gonna stick it up my Hotbox ass and then just leave it on the ground for you to get on your own time. I'm sick of your dominant shit.

This hurts my balls.

If you have a question for the Hotbox we'll answer some old questions and return to our normal stuff next week. Hit us up on Twitter, Facebook, and definitely the comments below.

"To those who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be President of the United States."

-George W. Bush