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The Sweet Sixteen Troll: Virginia Cavaliers

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Now that most of us have had almost a week to consider rational aspects of our upcoming opponent, it's time to NOT do that. This is your guide to prove that we, as a collective fanbase, are far better than those mouth-breathers from Virginia.

Oh gosh darn it!
Oh gosh darn it!

If you somehow weren't aware, Iowa State plays Virginia in the Sweet Sixteen tomorrow. And if you also aren't aware of what the Troll does, I'm going to need you to sit down, relax, and learn to hate all things University of Virginia. This segment is usually referred to as the Weekly Troll, but this is obviously a special occasion. The Troll had almost a full week to hastily research all things UVa on Wikipedia. I fully trust that source.

Enjoy the hate, y'all.

State: The Commonwealth of Virginia

First off, Commonwealth? Who the hell do you think you are, Virginia? Do you and the other three "Commonwealths" think you're better than the rest of us? Well, in Kentucky and your case, you actually thought that.

For hundreds of years, you prided yourself on making yourself better than other human beings. Of course, what I'm referring to is slavery. This practice actually dates all the way back to the very first European settlement in the New World at Jamestown. By 1860, almost a third of your entire population were enslaved. A year later, you actually up and seceded from the greatest nation in the world - the United States of America. You did this so you could continue to keep your "tradition" and "heritage" of enslaving people.

NOT a good look, Virginia.

Even WEST VIRGINIA had the moral fortitude and social foresight to thankfully secede from your sorry ass. Good work, Riot Bros.

But hold on, it just keeps getting worse for you poor Virginians. You not only joined the South, you made Richmond, VA the actual capital of the Confederacy. The Capital of Hate, in other words. And let's not forget you fostered Confederate General Robert E. Lee into being.

Finally, even after the Civil War and slavery ended, you decided to pass segregation laws that persisted into the 1960s.

I HOPE YOU'RE PROUD.

City: Charlottesville, VA

Charlottesville is the home of the University of Virginia, and much like the Commonwealth it resides in, it has a "rich heritage" they think should be "celebrated." That "heritage" they are "celebrating," of course, is being part of the South. The South certainly does have some "heritage" though...not that they should ever be celebrating it.

We live in Iowa, and I still see too many Confederate flags around. I could only imagine how many of those "Heritage Flags" you have on campus, fraternities, courthouses, public places, and big loud trucks that TOTALLY aren't compensating for anything.

Damn it, you freedom haters make me sick.

And not to keep bashing on the whole slavery thing, but... I'm gonna. The most famous people to ever come from your lovely city are two U.S.(!) Presidents. Those of course were Thomas Jefferson and James Monroe, both slaveholders. Just because you are the home of two former Presidents of the United States doesn't mean you should be proud of them. I could only imagine how New York feels to have been the ones to produce presidential candidate Donald Trump.

Hell, Thomas Jefferson had an entire other family with one of his slaves and denied it until the day he died. What kind of lowlife denies his own children as his own?

People from Charlottesville do, THAT'S WHO.

Arena: John Paul Jones Arena

If you happen to be a Revolutionary War history buff, you might think this arena was named after the famous Navy Captain who peed all over the British. That would be the cool and smart thing to do. The British were super lame, man.

But no, Virginia, you had to go and name it after some old rich white guy who gifted you athletic relevance. Well, not exactly I guess. It's actually named after the father of some white billionaire named Paul Tudor Jones. This man of privilege gifted Virginia basketball athletic relevance to the tune of $35 million. I guess that might be better than stealing the public's money, but what if that privileged money is old money? And I mean OLLLLDDDDD money. That's a dangerous thing in the Commonwealth of Virginia.

Here at Iowa State, we funded our own basketball arena (and our football stadium and three other buildings). It wasn't named after some old white guy who gifted us athletic relevance, it was named after former Iowa State President Dr. James H. Hilton, who was a supporter of the construction.

We had to suffer for decades to find our athletic relevance.

But if you reallllly wanna feel like assholes, Virginians, go check out the history of Jack Trice Stadium, our football stadium. Granted, we are still trying to find athletic relevance in football, BUT IT'S COMING DAMMIT.

Mascot: Cavalier

So your mascot is a sexy pirate fellow. Let's look at this SEX HOG:

Ohhhh... That mustache and cape make me swoon like the dickens. Congrats to you Virginia, this might be best thing to happen to you since the capture of Richmond. But it actually took you silly-heads awhile to accidentally stumble upon this sexy, dashing, and charming mascot man.

By your university's own admission, the people who play athletics for this university were "accompanied by a somewhat confusing array of nicknames." Besides being the Sexy Pirates, you have been referred to as the, "Wahoos", "Hoos", "V-Men" (LOL), "Virginians", and "Old Dominion."

The Virginia Virgin-Men could really dominate BYU this year.

But if Pirates With Style and Virgin-Men weren't enough mascots, they also had two dog mascots. And to be honest, both of these hounds seem like straight badasses. The first dog mascot dates all the way back to the roaring 20s. His name was Beta and he pulled all the ass. He was welcome at dances, parties, angry white mob meetings, classes, and of course sporting events.

But Beta's true claim to fame is this tall tale from VirginiaSports.com:

His most famous exploit came after being left behind in Athens, Ga., following a UVa football game with Georgia. It was not until two weeks later that a scratch was heard at the back door of the Beta House, and a cold, ragged and hungry Beta stood there. It is not known how he found his way home. As befitted a dog of his stature, Beta enjoyed a great deal of notoriety. Hailed by the University as the nation's "No. 1 college dog," he was mentioned on a nationwide broadcast of the Pontiac radio show and appeared in Look magazine.

No. 1 College Dog, indeed.

But Beta wasn't the only Good Doggy on campus. He was followed by a "cross-eyed black mongrel mutt" (say that with a southern accent, y'all), named Seal. Seal was also allowed to attend all the hottest places in town.

Seal was accepted before many people in that area were accepted back then. Seal broke down barriers that only one dog could before him. He was brave in the face of oppression. He waltzed right into restaurants that had bad signs that read "NO DOGS ALLOWED" (true).

But Seal's claim to fame is actually one of humor AND bravery:

Seal's claim to fame came in 1949 during halftime of the Pennsylvania football game at Franklin Field in Philadelphia. Wearing a blue blanket embossed with a large orange "V," Seal walked from the 50-yard line to the Pennsylvania sideline where the Penn cheerleaders had placed their megaphones. The rest of the event was recounted as follows in the Cavalier Daily: "Slowly he walked from midfield to the Quaker side. Indifferently he inspected their cheerleading appurtenances. Eighty thousand people watched with bated breath. Coolly, insolently, Seal lifted a leg--the rest is history." Virginia went on to win its seventh straight game of the season 26-14 and Seal later came to be known as Caninus Megaphonus Pennsylvanus.

I changed my mind. Please change your Pirate Gigolo back to a Good Doggy, plz.

Team: Lost in Time

I say lost in time, because ya know, you play basketball like old people bang. Slow, methodical, and that faint stench of a nursing home.

Tony Bennett has learned the "Pack Line Defense" from his father Dick and deployed it with Virginia. I'm sure you've read this a thousand times this week, but I'm gonna refresh you on what the "Pack Line" is. The idea is to lead dribble penetration into help defense and encourage contested low-percentage shots (3-pointers). Virginia does this by having the man guarding the ball apply intense on-ball pressure well beyond the 3-point line. The four other defenders all hang out about two or three feet inside the 3-point line as help defense.

If you want a good break down and how it really relates to Iowa State, check this out.

Not only do the Cavaliers play a style of defense that encourages poor shooting and passing teams to shoot and pass poorly, they also play at the slowest pace in the nation. Literally. This leads to teams not scoring a lot of points - which is the point of basketball.

Virginia can eat hot butt for taking basketball back to the days of James Naismith. And if you have forgotten, Dr. Naismith coached at Kansas.

Fuck Kansas.

Coach: Tony Bennett

By all accounts, Tony Bennett is an all-around good guy. So, basically the Troll has nothing on him.

BUT I'M SURE HE EXPERIMENTED WITH POT ONCE.

The only beef I have with Mr. Bennett is that he is actually quite, well, dreamy. Check it out:

And compared to our (former) Dreamy:

You decide.

TROLL OUT.