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Steve Prohm Exclusively Recruiting Fat Kids Now in Attempt to Recreate the Magic

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You probably know today is April Fool's Day. If you didn't, now you do. Either way, it's now time for you to read this fake news article!

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The departure of Georges Niang has left a large hole in the Iowa State basketball roster - one that head coach Steve Prohm is deeply concerned about filling. Niang was responsible for arguably the most successful four consecutive years in ISU basketball history and his departure means that Prohm will have to find some way to recreate the magic going forward.

According to nearly double digit anonymous WRNL sources, Prohm is aiming to replace Niang's output by ensuring the Cyclones sign at least three "fat kids" to every recruiting class going forward. If so much magic was created by one chubby kid coming to Ames, Prohm believes he can take things to the next level by getting more commitments from the "fatties" of the world.

We caught up with Prohm as he was walking out of Hickory Park last night and asked him about his new recruiting goals.

"Georges [Niang] is living proof that signing chubby players is the way to go. Now that our season is over, I've started scouring restaurants in the Central Iowa area looking for young guys who stuff their faces with the best of 'em," said Prohm. "The ones committed to chowing down on ice cream and sucking Hickory Park's barbeque sauce straight from the bottle every day are the ones that I'm zeroing in on."

We asked Prohm if there was a specific body type he was looking for in his fat kids.

"Size matters. The bigger, the better. More cushion means more pushin' opposing bigs around in the post. We could have used a couple 500 pound posts against Virginia's bigs in the Sweet Sixteen last week. They ate us up like Georges used to devour Swiss Cake Rolls," said Prohm.

When asked if the basketball skills of the fat kids mattered at all, Prohm shook his head.

"Nah, you can teach basketball. Just get me those chubsters and we'll have them averaging 15-5-5 by their junior season - as long as their arms can come close enough in front of their body to grab a ball. If they can't do that, we'll have them focus on clogging up the lane and using their gravitational pull to attract the ball away from the hoop when our opponents shoot it."

Prohm had to leave after that to go scout a hot dog eating contest at Ames High School, where he was looking to specifically keep an eye on Harrison "Chicken" Parms, a 6-foot-8, 800 pound freshman who's #1 in 247Sports' Fat And Tubby (FAT) recruiting rankings. Parms is also being recruited by Cyclone football head coach Matt Campbell to play the (entire) offensive line.

In preparation for the influx of giant recruits, two garage doors have been added to the east side of the Sukup basketball practice facility to allow fat kids to easily step onto the court without getting stuck in the regular doorways. A donut bar has also been added to the break room and replaces the former spread of fruits and vegetables available for eating.

An additional complication that will face ISU basketball is the fact that they won't be able to fly to basketball games any more due to the excessive amount of weight on the team not allowing planes to get off the ground. Word is trains will now be the preferred method of getting players from place to another. However, the coaching staff is expected to call Royce White soon to get his expert opinion on non-flight transportation.

We'll keep you updated on WRNL as more information on Iowa State's fat kid recruiting efforts becomes available.