In the story of the century, the Iowa State Cyclones clinched the Cy-Hawk trophy over the Iowa Hawkeyes Wednesday morning, as 24/7 Wall St. officially deemed Ames and Iowa State the most inebriated place in the state and 8th in the nation, while Iowa finished in a distant second within state borders and 19th in the country. This marks the first time in series history that a school has won back-to-back-to-back series titles.
The study shows that 24.4% of adults in Ames drink excessively compared to just 23.2% in Iowa City. In other words, 76.8% of Hawkeye fans don't know how to have a good time. Furthermore, Iowa City's numbers are skewed due to the excessive drinking habits of one Ed Podolak, meaning they are even further away from Ames' lead than the study shows (excluding Podolak drops Iowa City to outside the top 25 nationally). It can therefore be deduced that Ames parties harder than those pretenders in the eastern part of the state.
In a statement, Iowa State President Steven Leath credits the athletic department for this accomplishment, starting with Paul Rhoads and the football staff.
"While at Iowa State, I was there for the students and fans," former head football coach Paul Rhoads said Wednesday morning. "Winning was fun when it rarely happened, but I knew there was no chance in hell for a bowl game in 2015, so I thought I'd at least try and give fans a shot at having a successful year of boozing. I am so proud that being your head coach caused you guys to drink so much."
"In fact, I kept my eyes on the Cy-Hawk trophy well after we lost to Iowa last September," Rhoads continued. "When we walked into the locker room at halftime up 35-14 against Kansas State in November, I told our boys to blow it. Nothing makes a fan drink more than a comeback loss."
But it wasn't just the football team's efforts that gave Iowa State an edge in this drunk competition, as the basketball team put together a solid string of wins (celebratory drinking), and losses (drinking to forget), forcing fans to drink almost as much as they did during football season.
"Originally we were told we had the Cy-Hawk trophy on lock before our game against the Hawks last season," All-American Cyclone basketball star Georges Niang said. "That's why we didn't even try in the first half last season and let Jarrod Uthoff score at will."
"However," Niang continued, "Coach Prohm walked in at halftime with a few math professors. His face was ghost white and he told us his math was wrong. If we wanted to win the Cy-Hawk trophy, we would not only have to come back and win, but we would also need to drink our asses off the rest of the semester. I believe that massive comeback helped boost the spirits of Cyclone fans and gave them all an excuse to get wasted."
Finally, President Leath wanted to make sure all media understood that Iowa State managed to accomplish this stunning feat without VEISHEA for the second straight year, breaking all stereotypes that the University is only good for one weekend of partying a year.
While many Ames residents aren't surprised about the honor, the rest of the nation is shocked that the Cyclones were able to defeat the Hawkeyes. Iowa consistently ranked in the top 10 of all party schools year after year, ranking second in the nation in August, 2015. We can only assume those honors were awarded thanks to an exchange of currency behind closed doors, as this recent study proves the University of Iowa is actually tame in nature.
"This just goes to show you can't live in the past," said Niang "Hawkeye fans are always pointing to how great they were, and never try to make their own marks in history. Here in Ames, we get lit. Those mouth-breathers in Iowa City have to be so jealous now that we've won three straight years of the Cy-Hawk competition. It's a Cyclone state all over again."