Big 12 Expansion Icebreaker

It’s 8:03 a.m. You find your seat for your morning meeting and are feeling pretty good about yourself because you are only three minutes late today. Mary, the know-it-all intern, gives you a death stare as if everyone should be there 20 minutes early just like her. It’s either that or you smell like booze (again), or maybe both, but you don’t care because you’ve got your seat in the back of the room and are ready for a morning of checking Twitter while strategically nodding your head in agreement precisely every 13 minutes. Then, you hear those two horrible, ball-busting, little words....

Ice.....Breaker....

Not again! We just did one of these stupid, fricking things last week! Your boss gives the company line about team-building and communication when you know it just means his PowerPoint didn’t cover the full 45 minutes. What do we have to do this time? Draw a picture? Build a bridge? Line up in order of our birthdays without talking? (It should noted my birthday is always January 1st on these days...)

We ALL hate these damn things. Well, unless your name is Mary. So, it's only fair that we subject our Big 12 expansion candidates to one of these things to, you know, break the ice.

Today’s Icebreaker: Two truths and a lie.

Each school submitted to me, two truths and one lie. It should be known that BYU was first to submit because, well, they are a Mary.

*Answers will be shown together at the end. This is NOT an open book test.

BYU

1. Utah, our home state, has the highest rate of online porn subscriptions.

2. Polygamy, which occurs when a man is married to more than one woman, is still accepted and legal in Utah.

3. BYU athletes are allowed to take off their temple garments (AKA magic underwear), during competitions.

Houston

1. Our home city, Houston, has repeatedly been ranked #1....in fattest city in America lists.

2. Over half of our city is literate!

3. Our children’s textbooks are fact-checked by experts before being approved for use in state schools.

Memphis

1. Our men’s basketball team set the NCAA record for the most wins (38) in college basketball history.

2. The Memphis football team has almost as many (8) bowl appearances as perennial bowl participant Iowa State (12).

3. Memphis routinely maintains a top 5 ranking...for most dangerous cities over 200,000.

Cincinnati

1. We think it builds character and responsibility to withhold the cost of living stipends from football players violating team rules.

2. The Cincinnati basketball staff believes in loading the class schedules of players, especially when they need an open scholarship.

3. The Cincinnati Zoo is home to 11 gorillas.

UConn

1. We take our academics very seriously. This fall we will roll out a course titled “Funny Jews”.

2. We like to have a good time in Connecticut. So much so that we approved grocery stores to sell liquor up until 9 pm.

3. Our men’s basketball team won the 2014 NAACP National Championship.

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Answer Key

Here are the lies...

BYU

2. Polygamy, which occurs when a man is married to more than one woman, is still accepted and legal in Utah.

It’s not going down without a spirited fight though.

Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images for AEG Live

Houston

3. Our children’s textbooks are fact-checked by experts before being approved for use in state schools.

I’m sure most of you had a hard time believing over half the city of Houston was literate, but it turns out that was truth. An astounding 61% of Houston residents can read!

No, in this case the lie was #3. The Texas Board of Education actually voted down a proposal to have their children’s textbooks fact checked.

Memphis

1. Our men’s basketball team set the NCAA record for the most wins (38) in college basketball history.

If you attended the Liberty Bowl there is no way in hell you thought #3 was a lie. Although it is hard to believe that any FBS team could have less bowl appearances than Iowa State that is also true.

No, the lie is really #1. There were a lot of games in which they scored more points than the other team, but it turns out none of them counted as wins.

Photo by Jamie Squire/Getty Images

Cincinnati

3. The Cincinnati Zoo is home to 11 gorillas.

Unfortunately, both the first statement and the second statement are true. In fact, a Cincinnati assistant also once gave a D to a student in a basketball class to free up a scholarship. The lie is #3, as their 11th gorilla, Harambe, was assassinated in front of a 4 year old boy who thought it was a petting zoo.

UConn

3. Our men’s basketball team won the 2014 NAACP National Championship.

Yes, there actually is a class at the University of Connecticut called “Funny Jews”. I have no idea what the admission standards are though.

Believe it or not, UConn has never won a NAACP National Championship. If you watch Fox News you may have been told otherwise. I’m sure they are still big supporters of the group though.

Don’t breathe a sigh of relief just yet, Arizona and Arizona State. BYU has invited all of the expansion candidates to a game of Twister. They said they get to choose the dress code.

For now, this meeting is adjourned.