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IOWA STATE FOOTBALL NEEDS NICKNAMES

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We have waited too long. The nicknames must be decided upon.

NCAA Football: Big 12 Media Day Kevin Jairaj-USA TODAY Sports

The time has finally come. Too long have we ignored our football players and giving them the most fabulous of nicknames. We have been more than eager to give their basketball-playing brethren the nicknames they deserved. Hell, THIS SITE christened the most fabulous and famous nickname of them all — our lord, savior, and redeemer, 3sus.

The way I see it, if we start showing the same reverence toward certain Iowa State football personalities that we show 3sus (SEE ABOVE), we shall be set free.

So, I propose, we as a collective degenerative Cyclone community, come up with nicknames for some of the more popular Iowa State football personalities.

PEOPLE WHO NEED NICKNAMES

  • Allen Lazard
  • Joel Lanning
  • Mike Warren
  • Demond Tucker
  • Coach Matt Campbell

These are the football people who NEED nicknames. None of them have a GOOD nickname. Lanning has LANRAM (ehh) and the rest of them do not exist to my amatuer knowledge. If one of you fine readers know of a current nickname/pet name of any of these studs, please share. And of course if you have the best nickname for any other player not listed above, please share.

With that being said, there are some rules so you renegades don’t go ruining this for me.

RULES OF NICKNAMING

  • Needs to be creative and original and cool and fun.
  • Needs to be the shit.
  • Needs to not use the word shit.
  • Needs to be family friendly.
  • Needs to be #HASHTAGABLE for maximum coolness and trendability.
  • Needs to generate large numbers of #CLICKS.
  • Needs to be easy to say so that The Godfather screams it in ecstasy on the radio.
  • Needs to become a worldwide sensation.
  • And for copyright reasons, ALL NICKNAMES BELONG TO ME AND YOU WILL GET CREDIT FOR NOTHING.

Got it? Good.

So here is how I see this going. I need EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU to submit your most brilliant nicknames in the comments below, Facebook, Twitter, etc. They must adhere to the rules above, so get creative so I can coast off of your collective good work.

I will then collect the best/most popular nickname for each football player and coach and we will VOTE. I do hold the right to add any of my mine and WRNL entries AS I PLEASE, SUCKERS. This will be a running series leading up to the season, so it will be one player/coach at a time with some honorable mentions at the end if y’all manage to impress me.

DO YOUR WORST.