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The Big 12’s Best Names

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Looking at you, Buck Major.

Russell Athletic Bowl - North Carolina v Baylor
Forgive me for the Baylor picture, but the dude’s name is Lynx!
Photo by Rob Foldy/Getty Images

Everybody loves super cool names. Especially those of us who have boring names. My name is Chris, which is a fine name. But it was also one of the most common names. That makes it kind of boring. My last name is Wolff. My parents could have played off that, and given me a super intimidating football name.

Timber Wolff, Grey Wolff, Maverick Wolff, Big-Bad Wolff. You get the picture. If I would have gotten a name like that, who knows where I would be today. Probably a Big 12 football player. That’s how the whole self-fulfilling prophecy thing works, right?

Ok, so maybe not. But still, I firmly believe that having the names that these dudes have is a benefit when it comes to football success. So thanks a lot, mom and dad. You screwed me. The parents of these guys got it right. Here we go.

Super Cool Big 12 Football Names

Buck Major, OL, Texas – Buck yeah.

Brick Haley, D-Line coach, Texas – Built like a freakin’ brick wall.

Shock Linwood, RB, Baylor – Shocking [insert speed, skills, moves, etc.]

Rusty Burns, WR coach, TCU – The name screams former deep ball threat.

Stone Wolfley, TE/FB, WVU – Stone cold. Big bad wolf(ley). The nickname possibilities…

Cody Savage, DB, K-State – Sounds like name from Grand Theft Auto.

D’Andre Payne, DB, Iowa State – Bring the Payne.

Kameron McQueen, WR, Kansas – Steve McQueen. Lightning McQueen. I rest my case.

Will Smith, DT, Kansas – Super common, but having the same name as The Fresh Prince is always 100 emoji.

Lynx Hawthorne, WR, Baylor – His name is Lynx. Like a freakin’ bobcat, man.

Less Intimidating, But Still Cool Names

Zach Sandwisch, CB, WVU – I can forgive the misspelling.

Obi Obialo, WR, OK State – Obi-Wan would have been cooler, but I dig the repetition of Obi in both names.

Nyc Burns, QB, Ok State – The NYC spelling is cool, and Burns is always cool, because speed kills.

Dimitri Flowers, Fullback, Oklahoma – It’s like the complete opposite name you would expect a fullback to have, which makes it awesome.

Orion Salters, WR, Iowa State – Dope combo, plus Orion always makes me think of Men In Black. Major bonus points.

Kane Snowden, DT, Oklahoma – Citizen Kane. Edward Snowden. Combined.

D’Andre Christmas, DL, Texas – I can always appreciate a name that spreads holiday cheer 365 days a year.

Zeb Noland, QB, Iowa State – I would never mess with a dude named Zeb. Or anybody with a Z name.

Lil’Jordan Humphrey, WR, Texas – This is my personal favorite. If Lil’Jordan never drops a mixtape, I will be incredibly disappointed.

Shout out to the parents who got it right. You the real MVPs.