This week: University of Northern Iowa
Hello and welcome to another year of Cyclone football! You’ve made it through the grueling suck that was the offseason. Good work. If you weren’t aware, we got a cool new coach, currently have the third (!) highest recruiting in the Big XII for 2017, and only had one major offseason injury. Not bad!
But if you have forgotten or you happen to be a lurkin’ Panther/Hawk fan who is unfamiliar with WRNL and how this fabulous series of articles work, you’re in for a real treat. I’m going to go through a few key things that identify UNI, and I’m gonna hate on it.
State: Iowa County: Blackhawk
This is the section of the article I usually reserve for ripping on the state that our opponent resides in. But if you happen to be familiar of our local geography, UNI is IN the state of Iowa. And so is Iowa State University. This isn’t gonna work. Instead, let’s learn a few terrible things about the county where UNI resides.
It’s now time to strap in for a history lesson, bitches.
Blackhawk County is named after famed Native American, Blackhawk. Blackhawk was a war leader of the Sauk tribe. Do you wanna know what Blackhawk did that gave him his fame? He sided with the scummy British in the War of 1812. He even ATTACKED IOWANS. GASP. Blackhawk was a part of Iowan battles at Fort Madison and Credit Island that attacked our brave Manifest Destiny American troops.
This is the very short part where I become rational and say Blackhawk was just trying to protect his native land from intruding American forces. But I am The Troll and reason is not why we’re here. Reasoning is for stupid people.
BUT YOU NON-PATRIOTIC-REDCOAT-SCUMBAGS NAMED YOUR COUNTY AFTER AN IOWAN KILLER. THIS WILL NOT STAND.
City: Cedar Falls, IA
After a couple years of doing hasty research on Wikipedia, I have come to find that many towns got their names from boring white people being boring. Most places already had names from the native peoples who already lived there, but our land stealing ancestors choose to go with these boring white people names. And Cedar Falls is NOT the exception to this rule.
Cedar Falls was originally named after a white man named, William Sturgis, and was originally named Sturgis Falls. He moved from CANADA, to Michigan, and then finally to steal land off the Black Hawk Purchase (READ: IOWA). Wanna guess where he first settled? IOWA CITY. He then moved on to “Sturgis Falls” after he lost favor with the locals.
That’s right folks, The Troll has unearthed the origins of “Purple Hok-ism.” The truth is embedded within the historical fabric of these two shitty towns themselves. A man who originally claims to be a Hawkeye, is eventually forgotten about, and in turn reverts to acting like he cares about something that no one actually gives a shit about.
And in case you didn’t know, UNI was originally known as, “Iowa State Normal School.” Oh okay, keep telling yourself that!
Stadium: UNI Dome
The UNI Dome is a death-trap that should no longer be in use due to its out-dated, collapse inducing design. Here is a GIF of the similarly poor designed, and now demolished, Metrodome:
To the Panther’s dismay, this same thing has happened MULTIPLE TIMES. AT least you got a new video board to replace your old one that kept malfunctioning and "magically" stopped the clock when it seemed rather convenient to you. And just like any good college program, you didn't pay for said video board... The freakin' Iowa High School Athletic Association donated it to you! Aren't they supposed to be a non-profit?
God, now I have another reason to hate that terrible organization. I hope the UNI-Dome collapses one final time and your program has to fold since Iowa can't play you anymore. You make me sick.
Mascot: Cuddle Monsters
This here is “TC” and “TK”. They strike fear into the hearts of all their enemies. "TC" is the dude and "TK" is the chick. Both of those two letter names have to stand for something cool and original, right? Nope. They stand for "The Cat" and "The Kitten." I don't even have a joke for that.
Remember when you stole the Pink Panther and used that as your mascot? Those were the good ol' days. That thing was blatantly stolen, yeah, but still infinitely better than the butt you have now.
Team: Less Talented, Still Maddening
Your team should, on paper, be outmanned at every position. You are now two years removed from salary-cap eater, David Johnson, and I haven’t heard anything of worth about another player. Yet, UNI has, and will probably find a way, to make our poor Cyclones look silly more times than I’d like to speak about.
Just be bad and roll over like last year, dammit.
Coach: Mark Farley
I have it on good authority that your authoritarian coach is pretty well hated amongst former and current players. That will happen when all you think about is yourself and angle yourself to be the heir to highest paid state employee in Iowa City.
I hope his next job is somewhere in the Bering Sea.
If you have any other perfectly logical reasons for why we are better than UNI, don't hesitate to share.