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Satire: Iowa A.D. Warns Iowa State Marching Band To Not Do Anything Too “Iowan”

Iowa officials are worried fans might once again be offended by anything that reminds them of their home state.

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The University of Iowa’s Gary Barta doesn’t want a repeat of what transpired on the football field at the Rose Bowl to happen tonight. He wasn’t talking about the 45-16 manhandling the Hawkeye football team received, though.

As part of the annual Iowa-Iowa State football game, the home and visiting bands both perform, much like a neutral site game. For this reason, Barta has warned the Iowa State Cyclone Football Varsity Marching Band to not do anything too “Iowan” this Saturday in fear that it might offend Hawkeye fans.

What could the University of Iowa fans be so offended by? In January, the Leland Stanford Junior University Marching Band gave a performance that left many Iowa fans outraged.

After checking with the course descriptions at Stanford, we have confirmed Travis is correct. #NoClassAtStanfordOnRespectOrSportsmanship

Another fan was appalled that the Stanford band would just trot out that cow like it was nothing but a piece of meat. The band was at least discreet enough to cover up their lettuce with assorted hats or Melissa would have thrown a cow.

The Iowa State marching band won’t see a yield from their summer labor, at least not this Saturday.

Iowa State Director of Bands, Steven Smyth, says Barta has made just about everything off limits.

“Everything is off the table. No Field of Dreams. No Adventureland. No Amana Colonies. Iowa even wants us to scrap our Bridges of Madison County set.”

No cows. No farmers. Still too Iowan for Gary Barta.
Travel Iowa

While the Iowa State marching band looks to cultivate a new crop of songs, the Iowa band is working to put the final touches on their show featuring Nickelback, “Flight of the Bumblebee,” and Tucker Beathard’s best hit.

Tennessee native Tucker Beathard surely won’t offend the Iowa fan base.
Photo by Rick Diamond/Getty Images for Country Thunder USA

“What really upset our fans in January was how they painted Iowa out to be this place that is about farming. The cows, the farmer, it was just too much,” Barta told reporters.

State Senator Mark Chelgren has chimed in on the issue once again after his February proposal was shockingly shot down within the Iowa legislature.

“Look, we tried to cut ties with one of the premiere research institutions in the nation (Stanford) back in February to send a message. Just because that didn’t succeed doesn’t mean we won’t try again,” Chelgren proclaimed.

Senator Chelgren has hinted there could be intense consequences should ISU dare to include anything Iowan in their halftime show this Saturday. According to Chelgren, the University of Iowa might even stop accepting transfer students into their engineering program that couldn’t cut it at Iowa State.

University of Iowa officials have tried to turn a traumatic experience for fans into a positive. Fans can now buy ANF (America Needs Farmers) stickers as they enter the game for $1 each with all of the proceeds going toward purchasing more ANF stickers.

Big Ten Championship
Small logo. Big statement.
Photo by Joe Robbins/Getty Images

“Hayden Fry started a tradition years ago of making a national statement that America Needs Farmers. We have continued that tradition by putting a sticker the size of a nickel on our helmets annually. Our stickers represent our support of the farming community. We just don’t feel we need to be reminded of the fact that there are cows, farmers and corn in our state during the halftime show,” the Iowa Athletic Director added.

Iowa State University and WRNL responded by starting a campaign referred to as AHF (Actually Helping Farmers). You can buy a shirt here.

Iowa isn’t scheduled to play Ohio State this year or really ever, but it is possible they would meet in the Big Ten Championship Game. If that is the case, Iowa officials will have a hard time telling the “Best Damn Band In The Land” what to do, although they assuredly will be offended when the tuba player “dots the i.”

That “i” stands for Iowa. Stop offending Iowa fans OSU.
Photo by Brian Bahr/Getty Images