Satire: Ricky Stanzi Leaves USA, Says He Hates It

Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

Ricky Stanzi, former quarterback for the University of Iowa, has reportedly left the country. This likely comes as a big surprise to Iowa fans everywhere after his infamous quote following the conclusion of the 2010 Orange Bowl:

With the news of Stanzi’s departure, it’s apparent that he never truly loved the USA.

The news of the former Hawkeye leaving the country that sports the stars and stripes comes following a failure to make the roster of the Cleveland Browns, one of the worst teams in the National Football League. After being drafted in the 5th round of the 2011 NFL Draft, Stanzi got shots with six professional teams before finally realizing he’d have a better shot overseas.

A WRNL global correspondent in North Korea was able to intercept Stanzi after his plane arrived at the Pyongyang Sunan International Airport.

"The USA sucks; I had to leave it!" bellowed Stanzi as he picked up his camo luggage. "I’m NOT proud to be an American."

Our correspondent asked Stanzi why he decided North Korea was the best country to start the second portion of his pro career.

"I have a ton of respect for Kim Jong Un. Have you seen his hair? A country with a leader who has hair like that HAS to have its shit together. North Korea, love it or leave it!"

As he made his way to the airport taxi, Stanzi appeared to realize the person asking him questions was an Iowa State fan. Thinking he was clever, right before he shut the door to the taxi, Stanzi resorted to a bunch of insults that he was SURE would hit our correspondent where it hurts.

"HAHA, the Cyclowns suck! Iowa State is Iowa’s little brother! When they play the Hawks, it’s their Super Bowl! LOSERS!"

This string of poorly-chosen insults reminded our correspondent that when WRNL would post this story to Facebook and Twitter on the morning of Saturday, September 10, it would be nearly certain that a Hawkeye fan would point out (without reading the article) that Stanzi’s won the same amount of bowl games as Iowa State. For this reason, the correspondent told us to leave the space below open so we could make fun of the first Hawkeye fan that followed through.

DING DING DING WE HAVE A WINNER!

We didn't have to wait long, unlike Iowa, who's been waiting since 2010 to beat Iowa State again in Kinnick Stadium.