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Envisioning a 10-2 Season for Iowa State Football


TCU v Iowa State Photo by David Purdy/Getty Images

If you’re a frequent WRNL reader you’ve probably noticed by now that I’ve written about a possible undefeated season and a possible 11-1 season. Unfortunately, neither of those situations came to fruition. After Iowa stomped the Cyclones 42-3 last Saturday in Kinnick, I took some time to collect my thoughts about this team.

After hours of meditation, there was a moment of clarity. I could perfectly envision the rest of the season. Here is EXACTLY what will happen.

Start: 0-2

As an act of war towards the Cyclones, Gary Patterson pulls some strings in Dallas-Fort Worth and gets Babb Bros BBQ shut down. Word gets back to Ames, where Iowa State basketball player Nick Weiler-Babb takes it upon himself to ruin Patterson’s career. Weiler-Babb uses his lanky 6’5 frame to team up with Allen Lazard, as each of them record six receiving touchdowns at TCU in a 96-10 win.


Due to an equipment snafu, San Jose State LB Alex Manigo’s jersey reads, “Mangino.” That’s as much motivation as Joel Lanning and Mike Warren need. Both of them truck Manigo into oblivion on their way to nearly a thousand yards rushing in a single game. Iowa State wins.


After inexplicably losing to Rice by 47 points, Baylor cuts their football program before the start of Big 12 play. Iowa State is awarded a 1-0 victory.


Following the huge upset over Baylor, the Cyclones travel to Stillwater to play the Oklahoma State Cowboys. Somehow, Oklahoma State has three losses by this point, all via last-second hail mary touchdowns. This game is no exception. Iowa State wins on a final play, 75-yard hail mary thrown by Hakeem Butler and caught by Zeb Noland.


After the OSU win, Campbell jokingly tells the press that his team won thanks to copious amounts of Advocare. Charlie Strong takes his comment seriously and, in an attempt to even the playing field, forces each of his players to snort Advocare Spark three times a day. Austin’s roughly twenty addiction recovery centers are overrun with Longhorn football players. ISU wins another game due to forfeit, 1-0.


Bill Snyder turns 77 on October 7 of this year. Paul Rhoads went 0-7 against Kansas State. Kansas State enters this game 0-7 on the season. Coincidence? I think not. These are clear signs, and these clear signs are telling us that Iowa State will beat Kansas State 77-7. All touchdowns are courtesy of Joel Lanning, #7.


After Oklahoma loses to Ohio State in mid-September, their entire season is turned upside down. Rather than “Big Game Bob,” OU head coach Bob Stoops is now known as “Poopy Stoops,” thanks to his team’s tendency to, uh, lay “eggs.” Iowa State wins by five touchdowns and Poopy Stoops is dumped after the season.


In week one, Kansas defeated Rhode Island 55-6. That’s more points than they score the rest of the season combined. Having exhausted his basketball eligibility (we think), super senior citizen Perry Ellis returns to KU as a member of the football team. He is instantly their best player, scoring two touchdowns against Iowa State to make the final score a bit more respectable. After the game, Ellis tells the media, “I learned everything I know about football from my childhood friend Pop Warner.”


After a rough defensive start to the season, Texas Tech vows to shut down the Iowa State offense by holding the Cyclones to less than 2,500 total yards. Their defense has their best game of the Big 12 season as they only allow Iowa State to score 170 points. The offense can’t keep up however, and Iowa State gets their ninth win.


After an embarrassing loss to Oklahoma the week before, West Virginia head coach Dana Holgorsen knows he’s on his way out the door. He’s fired, but is told he can coach the rest of the season. In an attempt to motivate his players one last time, Holgorsen puts on a construction helmet as he calls plays from the sidelines. It doesn’t help and it actually looks really stupid. West Virginia loses by a lot.


Iowa State declines invitations from the Sugar Bowl and Holiday Bowl, instead accepting an invitation to play in the new Colorado Kush Bowl, scheduled for a 4:20 p.m. kickoff on April 20. Their opponent, Air Force, is favored due to having more experience being high. The Cyclones pull out the victory in a hard fought contest to end with the best record in school history.