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Envisioning a 9-3 Season for Iowa State Football

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After a slow start, it looks like Matt Campbell has decided it’s time to start winning. Every. Single. Game.

NCAA Football: Iowa State at Texas Christian Tim Heitman-USA TODAY Sports

Alright ladies and gentlemen, this is, unfortunately, becoming a weekly thing. I didn’t expect to do this article at all, but I figured November at the earliest. Instead, Iowa State went and lost at TCU in a huge upset. This was quite possibly the best win in TCU history.

I’m sure you’ve already seen my attempts at predicting 12-0, 11-1, and 10-2 seasons for Iowa State, but if not, go check them out now. Without further ado:

Start: 0-3

San Jose State comes to town after getting beat up by Utah last week. If you google “San Jose State football,” Google will lie to your face and tell you San Jose State is rivals with Stanford. I haven’t heard something that absurd since Gene Chizik said this, just prior to bailing on Iowa State for Auburn, where he signed Cam Newton out of junior college:

"I don't feel you can build a program with a lot of junior college guys," Chizik told The Courier, "because they're here today and gone tomorrow."

Once again, this is the same person who rode the back of Cam Newton to a national title. Chizik never shies away from being a fool.

Wait, what were we talking about? Oh yeah. San Jose State. Iowa State wins 56-3.

1-3

Baylor head coach Jim Grobe, who apparently doesn’t know who Shawn Oakman is, also doesn’t know who Matt Campbell is. Before the game, Grobe accidentally shakes hands with ISU defensive coordinator Jon Heacock instead of Campbell. Campbell, a man of great respect and honor, takes this personally. Iowa State begins a pattern: touchdown, onside kick, recover onside, touchdown, etc.

Final score: Iowa State 100, Baylor 0.

2-3

Barry Sanders Jr. is no Barry Sanders. Forced to play due to injuries, Sanders Jr. finishes the game with -88 yards in homage to his father’s Heisman winning season. Oklahoma State fails to cross midfield even once in a brutal 63-0 defeat.

3-3

As I (kind of) called in my 12-0 prediction, Texas is “evaluating” its coaches. (I didn’t think any of this shit would actually happen. I’m kind of scared now.) Charlie Strong isn’t happy with his defense. Luckily for him, there’s a former Texas DC with nothing to do at the moment. That’s right, folks. Gene Chizik is back in his role as Texas’ defensive coordinator. Still pissed at Iowa State athletic director Jamie Pollard, Chizik decides to turn it up a notch for this game.

As all Iowa State fans know, Chizik doesn’t have any notches to turn up. He has one level and one level only: glorified trash. Unfortunately for Texas, Iowa State has 100+ years of playing against glorified trash every day in practice. Final score: Texas 5, Iowa State 19.

4-3

When Kansas State rolls into Ames, Bill Snyder is looking for his 180th career win, a total that nearly equals his age. The Cyclones shut the old man down. Mike Warren fumbles zero times and Iowa State successfully takes a knee to close out the game. Ames is devastated by a flash flood caused by the outpour of joyous tears from the fanbase.

5-3

Bob Stoops knows he needs to beat Iowa State if he wants to keep his job. After all, OU is 1-7 entering this game. Stoops, an Iowa graduate, lost to Iowa State three times as a player. He has plenty of experience getting embarrassed by the Cyclones and this game is no different. Iowa State wins 3-0.

6-3

Bowl eligible for the first time since 2012, Iowa State is rewarded by getting to play Kansas. After a terrible season, Kansas is short on players. To solve their problem, they bring in Frank Mason, Carlton Bragg, and Devonte’ Graham to play… offensive line. Iowa State dominates at the line of scrimmage thanks to Mason and Graham’s tendency to fall on their ass at the slightest bit of contact, crying for a foul. When told football doesn’t work that way, Mason says, “how are we supposed to win? And how is TCU good at this? What kind of dumb game is this?” Iowa State beats the wannabe rapper and his teammates, 120-0.

7-3

Earlier in the season, realizing he’s about to get fired, Kliff Kingsbury decides to play his offensive players on defense and his defensive players on offense. Shockingly, this works -- at least, until Tech runs into the buzzsaw that is Iowa State football. Patrick Mahomes picks Joel Lanning three times, but the Iowa State defense buckles down and gets stops in a defensive battle. Final score: 20-18, all points via safety.

8-3

By this point, Iowa State donors have combined to give the Iowa State athletic department over 7 trillion dollars to keep Matt Campbell for eternity. They’ve also paid to bowl in the north endzone to make room for the 100,000+ fans that are begging to get into the stadium. West Virginia’s players, who have never been in a city with more than 100 people, let alone a stadium with 100,000, become incredibly nervous. The Mountaineers turn the ball over 47 times in a narrow 222-0 nailbiter.

9-3

With one of the best records in school history, Iowa State hopes to be invited to the Holiday Bowl. Instead, Matt Campbell accepts an invite to the Iowa Shrine Bowl after its director tells Campbell they would love to have him as part of the player selection “process.”

Iowa State crushes the Iowa High School all-star team and the Cyclones have their first ever 10-win season.