While former Baylor president Ken Starr is out conducting interviews weekly to keep his name trending, the university is looking for a way to honor the accomplished lawyer, judge and former university president around campus. Baylor officials announced they have created the SCUM (Starr Compost Undergraduate Memorandum) program. The SCUM program will re-name dumpsters, trash cans and other waste management facilities after the accomplished lawyer for his career achievements.
"SCUM represents everything Ken Starr is about," interim president David E. Garland told media early Monday morning. "After receiving criticism for not doing enough to combat ‘interpersonal violence,' we felt Ken received a grave and serious injustice. Our hope is when people see SCUM around campus, they remember Ken Starr for who he truly is."
In a dual effort to make the campus more aesthetically pleasing while honoring the former chancellor, university officials already have signs made for two waste reciprocals around campus after Ken Starr and his achievements. There will be the "Starr Report" dumpster next to the political science building and the "Whitewater" sewer drain by the school’s aquatic center.
"That’s not just a pile of trash. That is Ken Starr. That’s the goal I think," President Garland said.
SCUM has already shown up all around Baylor’s campus, including the McLane Stadium (home of Baylor football) administrative offices, and if you take excessive time out of your day to make it to the basketball facilities, you can see it there too.
Per Starr’s request, the program will NOT extend to off-campus areas and facilities. The former president, who has now harnessed his gift of language into writing a book, is adamant that inter-trash can violence only occurs off campus when alcohol is involved.
Students have already shown their excitement to be a part of SCUM. Before their game against Oklahoma State Saturday night, thousands of students rushed onto the field to get their Ken Starr bobblehead dolls.
As you can see, there were dozens of students injured in the rush. Baylor officials weren’t terribly concerned however, saying they would follow their typical protocol and settle the complaints within four to five years.
Unfortunately, several bobbleheads were trampled in the stampede, thus ruining the integrity of the figure. Students were quoted as saying how life-like the Starr dolls still were though.
Even Bob Bowlsby knows something about SCUM. After being "misinterpreted" at the Big 12 media days, the commissioner tried to paint a clearer picture on Monday.
"Raging horomones and alcohol unfortunately cause interpersonal ‘tussles’ at campuses across our conference, but you just don’t see that type of response to it at other schools. They don’t have SCUM at other schools like they do at Baylor, " Bowlsby said.
Bowlsby is right. Not every university in the conference honors SCUM like Baylor does.
"We light piles of trash like that (Starr) on fire here in Morgantown," West Virginia student Michael Stout said.
It appears he wasn’t lying.
Ken Starr, who’s never been one to take full responsibility, has credited several others as SCUM representatives just like him. Art Briles (who Starr thinks is as honest as Abe Lincoln), Ian McCaw and Shawn Oakman will also be remembered around campus.
Interim coach Jim Grobe, who is still trying to familiarize himself with Baylor’s SCUM, didn’t realize Oakman, a prominent piece of SCUM, was in the locker room before a game the other weekend.
"This guy just walked into the locker room to give a pre-game speech. I didn’t know he was SCUM at first, but I do now," Grobe explained.
To his credit, Oakman is easy guy to miss.
Baylor supposedly got the idea to honor Starr from Penn State, who also honored a former, prominent faculty member at a halftime ceremony about a week ago. Baylor and Penn State both celebrated the former leaders for their laissez faire attitude toward leadership.
Baylor’s SCUM is sure to spread to other campuses across the country next season, as a big piece of SCUM, Art Briles, will most assuredly be coaching next year in the SEC, maybe even LSU. The rest of his staff, including his son, will likely spread their wings as well. Soon enough, Baylor’s model of handling "interpersonal violence" will be a nationwide epidemic, just as Ken Starr hypothesized.