Satire: CJ Beathard Suspended After Refusing to Stand for “In Heaven There Is No Beer”

Iowa quarterback CJ Beathard has never been one to shy away from standing up for his beliefs. Recently, he risked it all in protest of Iowa’s traditional victory song “In Heaven There Is No Beer”.

LA Times

Following Saturday’s victory over Miami (Ohio), Beathard sat on the field as the rest of the players, fans and coaches stood for the traditional victory rendition of “In Heaven There Is No Beer.”

Photo by Sean M. Haffey/Getty Images

It is well known that Iowa fans love their beer. The fans and team have made it a tradition to sing a song that insinuates there won’t be any beer in Heaven, so you might as well drink it all up here. Beathard has recently taken issue with that.

The quarterback feels he and many others are oppressed for the beverage choices they make.

“It’s disingenuous to assume that everyone drinks beer. I don’t typically party during the football season, but when I do, I don’t drink beer. I just don’t like the taste,” Beathard said.

He went on to say he’s tried everything from putting Crystal Light in his beer to mixing it with lemonade, but he still can’t bring himself to enjoy it. Even Beathard’s girlfriend can’t get him to enjoy beer.

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“I’ve tried to fit in long enough. It is time for people to recognize there are plenty of other options out there if they want to have a good time.”

The coaching staff wouldn’t confirm he has been suspended, but sources within the program have indicated that Ferentz plans on sending a message to the star quarterback with a one-game suspension.

Beathard went on to say his favorites are Mike’s Hard Lemonade, Smirnoff Ice and Angry Orchard. If it’s game day though, he usually goes with the Pumpkin Spice Latte from Starbucks. He hopes one of these times they will spell his name right though.

Hawk Central

“I know it’s cliche, but I just had to have a ‘Sex on the Beach’ when we were out in Pasadena for the Rose Bowl”.

The suspension will leave him unable to play for Saturday’s tilt against Iowa State. He currently won’t miss any additional games, but he also said he doesn’t plan to stand any of the other three times they plan on singing it this season.

Beathard hopes his actions are strong enough to create a movement that would make “Two Pina Coladas” by Garth Brooks the new victory song for Hawkeye football.

Photo Courtesy of Dot Records

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