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Satire: University of Iowa Dumps ISIS, Picks Up HOES

Iowa students can now access HOES all across campus.

Four students using HOES in their dorm room.

The University of Iowa held a press conference today to address the concern over the name of their student portal, ISIS (Iowa Student Information System). This is the first time they have addressed the name change they made this summer.

President Bruce Harreld spoke to the media about the concern students had in being connected to ISIS. “The change from ISIS will be costly (alluding to the numerous electronic and paper documents that must be changed), so it is important that we generate a new name for this portal that all students can be proud of and feel safe using,” President Harreld said.

The University of Iowa has been harboring ISIS for several years, but it was time to change to something more inviting and satisfying to the student body.

Harreld continued, “After months of research and discussion, we have decided the student portal will now go by the name Hawkeye Online Enrollment System. HOES will serve a big role in the life of our students this academic year and for years to come.”

HOES may be costly, but the university believes the time and money spent will be well worth it. With the acronym already in use, the university had to buy HOES from a company in Las Vegas, Nevada.

Although it’s unclear just how many students use HOES throughout the school year, it is becoming more commonplace for professors to require their students to use HOES at least once or twice a week.

Iowa student finding time to get on HOES between classes.
Cedar Rapids Gazette

“I feel a lot more comfortable searching for HOES online, than I did ISIS,’’ student Gerrit Stout said.

“Some students don’t like using the online system,” another student said, “but I like using HOES to get help on homework and projects,” they continued.

Similar to ISIS, you can access HOES online via any desktop or mobile device, a university spokesperson said.

University of Iowa students searching for HOES on their personal computers.

Besides turning in homework assignments and accessing assignments, you can use the portal to pay tuition bills and order transcripts. Students aren’t the only ones feeling more comfortable with the switch though.

“My dad feels a lot more comfortable searching for HOES when it is time to pay the tuition bill than he did looking up ISIS,” said Vadcha Samm, a sophomore liberal arts major.

“At the end of the day, we wanted the name to be easy and represent our student population,” President Harreld explained. “ISIS was an unfortunate name, but we are ready to turn the page and see HOES in action all over campus and beyond.”

Harreld, the former IBM executive, was excited to see learning and access to education extend beyond the classroom walls.

“It’s great. You can walk anywhere in Iowa City and see HOES in action. Street corners, sidewalks, but most of all probably the campus library,” Harreld explained.

The campus library is a great spot to see HOES in action.

The use of HOES isn’t without controversy though. There are many students and faculty that are concerned about the safety of HOES. Many universities protect their databases by using a web host such as the Pupil Information Management Portal (PIMP) to protect their clients and students. President Harreld has been firm on the matter, saying that the costs associated are already high and if the university went through a PIMP to access HOES, student tuition rates could go through the roof.