The WRNL Hotbox: COUCH OR DUMPSTER?

Is everyone okay? Like really, the Box is concerned for ALL of our safety. #cyclONEnation is in uncharted nervous-binge drinking territory. Just thinking about each and every Saturday makes my liver inch a little closer to the edge. But SILVER LINING: We’ve been preparing for this. From past nut kicks on the football field to the countless ridiculous finishes and comebacks on the hardwood. We are hardy group of semi-alcohol dependent Iowans who just really like a good underdog story.

You know what else we all really like? ME. Y’all were so excited to gain more wisdom ahead of yet another stupid important game, you hit up the Hotbox with the most questions the Box has ever seen. And to show you how much I love and appreciate y’all providing #CLICKS and #CONTENT, I decided I was going to respond to (almost) ALL the Twitter questions. Some of these will be rapid fire so those damn millennials can actually finish something for once.

BOXHOT TIME:

My accelerant of choice is the one, the only, GASOLINE. (insert shameless plug where the Box will receive the enormous sum of $0.00)

But if I had to venture a guess as to which one might burn the best though? Honestly, I think our Riot Bros have us beat. The average couch will burn more thoroughly than the average dumpster. The shitty couch foam will almost always burn realllll good and create a hole in the ozone. A dumpster may be filled with some wet dead raccoons. Even if that does burn, you’re gonna regret it.

Man, everyone sure does seems excited for the #RiotBowl. But I’m just gonna come out and say it. Burning couches is West Virginia’s thing, man. We here in Ames riot for no particular reason at all and set dumpers on fire, regardless of the contents. But WVU gets hammered on grain alcohol and has good couch fire to celebrate. I respect that.

Damn it Dubya, I just got done complimenting you and yours and then you go and ask for one of OUR couches. You’re the Couch People..ACT LIKE IT.

Ted, if that is your real name, the answer is clear. Do you see that beauty of a shirt up top there? THAT is just the tip of the iceberg. IMAGINE THE POSSIBILITIES. We already went down the Farm Trophy route once. Care to share how that went last time?

Please wet your lips to next weeks schedule which is just as sexual as this week’s schedule.

The competition is quite stiff. If OU and TCU win, then I think we get the shaft. If Notre Dame and Miami are both still undefeated, then I think we get the shaft. I would like to think that ESPN would sack up and let us boo Herby into oblivion. But until it happens, the Box won’t hold his breath.

Just put this on a poster and watch the ladies swooooonnnnnnn:

Presented with minimal comment.

1. Iowa State - No one is better than me.

2. Kansas State - Bruce Weber is still a coach and they still go to the games.

3. Texas - Large and still in charge.

4. Oklahoma - See above.

5. West Virginia - See even higher above.

6. Oklahoma State - The Thunder is their best excuse for not showing up in winter even when they aren’t playing.

7. Texas Tech - Ahead of TCU since they throw tortillas at football games.

8. TCU - Behind Texas Tech since they don’t throw tortillas at football games.

9. Kansas - Imagine if the basketball team was as bad as the football team. Would they show up?!?!?!?!?!

10. Baylor - Defended rape culture because they got good at football. BURN.

Word is that Al Catchino is not spilling the beans on this one to anyone but his fellow teammates. So the answer is clearly #LongDistance3. He is channeling the power of 3sus to make some huge ass plays, with some big ass balls.

Well in that case, it may just be #LongDong3. Don’t take my word on that.

Historically, it was Dairy Queen. They dillied first with the delicious frozen treat Dilly Bar. Then it was put on the shelves for a while and then Bud Light decided to use to make fun of Game of Thrones. Then Georges and 3sus brought it to our Twitter scrolls. The rest is magical history.

But just imagine...if we were playing to what expectations were at the beginning of the year, there is no DILLY DILLY for #cyclONEnation. The Box proclaims this to be:

The Buderfly Effect.

Emma Stone is a beautiful, intelligent, grown ass woman who can act AND dance her way to an Academy Award. Emma Watson may be intelligent, but does not qualify in any of the other categories. And Nick we will slowly but surely change the nerdz from soft snowflakes to REAL men who aren’t attractive to young Biebers. It all starts with Emma Watson. This is the hill the Box dies on.

The U.K. I want to travel the world and be elegant without being exposed as an idiot for only knowing ONE language. Ugh finding out your stupid would be the worst.

Buddy. You even said you know the answer, go with your gut. The Big 12 Championship is WAY more important. If you get there and win it, you get a major a bowl game which we will all flock to regardless.

Let’s lay out the current contenders: TCU, Okie State, OU, and us. If you’ve been keeping up with the papers, you may know that we’ve already played TCU and OU and WON. It seemed to me that TCU had a lot more issues with us than OU did, so I say TCU out of those two. This could all change the instant we play OSU but whatever TCU’s offense couldn’t score the last prostitute on Earth against us so I’ll TAKE IT.

***extreme monotone brainwashed voice***

“i love the process and the process loves me. i love the process and the process loves me. i love the process and the process loves me.”

***the process kills me in a crime of passion***

Campbell is not leaving, period. He will be here forever and make Elderly Nick Saban will get super crotchety about how our satellite camps on the Moon are poisoning the pure sport of college football.

But if you’re gonna beat it outta me....AL CATCHINO.

The IDEAL city or cities to be more precise, is either New Orleans and Pasadena, followed by Atlanta. I have tasted a tiny bit of success and can’t have anything less than the best. CHAMPIONSHIP OR BUST.

Perhaps cause you’re a nerdy, self-absorbed, never-worked-a-day-in-your-life Millennial who the only thing you love more than yourself is your cell phone.

Good luck with the divorce.

If you have a question for the Hotbox, hit us up on Twitter, Facebook and definitely the comments below.

“The only source of knowledge is experience.”

-Albert Einstein