Iowa State made a splash wrestling coach hire today, prying Iowan Kevin Dresser away from Virginia Tech. Hooray!
But who else was Jamie Pollard reportedly interested in hiring for the position vacated by Kevin Jackson? Luckily, WRNL was able to use our nationwide network of spies to discover the entire list of
inanimate objects people who were also considered for the head coaching position in Ames.
Joining Dresser on Pollard’s shortlist were...
1. Bob Blender
Hiring Blender as head coach would have led to Mixed reviews, ranging from “he barely has a Pulse” to “Puree excitement” hot takes from fans. It sounds like Blender was Crushed when Pollard informed him he didn’t get the job.
2. Don Dishwasher
Dishwasher has a crystal-clean background, but Pollard and ISU President Steven Leath both disagreed on how the back-end of his contract should have been loaded, which led to them dropping negotiations altogether. Neither could come to an agreement on whether plates or glassware should get priority.
3. Ronald Rug
“This guy is so easy to walk all over,” Pollard said behind closed doors. “There’s way too much dirt on him too... No way fans would approve.”
4. Mark Microwave
Backed with a resume that features the development of rags-to-riches stars Easy Mac and Instant Noodles, Microwave’s chances to get the gig looked good. Unfortunately, Pollard discovered he has a short, two-minute maximum attention span and is strongly against receiving any kind of metal, including trophies and medals.
5. Frank Freezer
Late in the process of weeding out candidates, Pollard determined Freezer’s personality was just too cold to woo donors and potential recruits.
6. Waldo Wardrobe
Wardrobe’s priorities were never in-line with what Pollard was looking for in a head coach. It’s said that Wardrobe was concerned with what his wrestlers would be wearing much more than how they’d perform. Rumor is he would have required Pollard to give him $10 million just to be used to purchase new singlets for the upcoming season.
7. Paul Rhoads
“Come on, let’s be honest, the hard hat thing works pretty well for wrestling too! Bret’s making me do way too many pig noises and I’m starting to think he has an ulterior motive... Please just get me on the quickest bus out of here, Jamie. ALL RHOADS LEAD TO AMES, IOWA!”
8. Bradley Bed
Bed was many people’s sleeper pick to get the job... Unfortunately, his soft demeanor didn’t match the persona of a wrestling coach.
9. Larry Lawnmower
No other coach on this list is as tenacious as Lawnmower. The bad part is, he’s only shown the ability to cut his guys down, not build them up. That negativity is not something that Pollard wanted for Cyclone wrestling.
10. Ulysses Underwear
When you consider experience, no one’s been through more shit than Underwear. Many times he’s hit rock-bottom (and flabby-bottom, to be honest), but he’s always rebounded and offered support when it’s most necessary. It sounds like the reason Underwear wasn’t the man hired was his propensity to wedge himself into situations in which he’s unwanted. For that reason, Underwear wasn’t picked (no matter how hard he tried to be).
Based on this list, Jamie Pollard made the right choice. We’re looking forward to the Dresser era at Iowa State!