The NCAA Tournament Troll: Nevada Wolf Pack

He’s baccccckkkkkkk......

If you somehow weren't aware, Iowa State plays Nevada in the first round of the NCAA Tournament tomorrow. And if you also aren't aware of what the Troll does, I'm going to need you to sit down, relax, and learn to hate all things University of Nevada, Reno. This is your official Guide of Hate, if you will. The Troll had almost a full week to hastily research all things Nevada on Wikipedia. Pardon My Take steals my ideas!

Enjoy the hate, y'all.

State: Nevada

Did you know that gambling is legal in Nevada? Nevada is a such a desolate shit hole, that in 1940 the population was literally less than half the population of the next desolate shit hole state. So to combat this dilemma, Nevada lawmakers (The Mafia) decided to legalize gambling, have very lenient marriage and divorce laws, and let people bump uglies for money. The Troll is usually about all things sick and depraved, but Nevada, this is just coming off desperate. Well come to think it, desperation is the reason why people gamble, get married to strangers, and pay a stranger to bang and steal their wallet afterward.

But let’s get to the real issue at hand here. How do you pronounce your barren, lawless state’s name? You Hill People with Eyes vehemently argue that the correct pronunciation is Ne-VAA-Da. You get so bent out of shape about this, you shamed Brian Williams, our most trusted broadcaster!

For the three people that actually watched that clip, you may have noticed something a tad interesting. The word “Nevada” is actually a Spanish word for “snow-covered”. And interestingly enough, the correct Spanish pronunciation is Ne-VAH-da. So you desperate dipshits lose your simple little minds when someone actually pronounces your state’s name correctly. You base your vote off if a candidate can pronounce it with the same amount of narrow-minded ignorance you do. Do you deny climate change and evolution too? Ugh, you make me sick.

Come to think of it, Nevada used to be a Mexican territory back in the day. In that case, I propose we build a great wall — a tremendous wall — around you to keep you out of our GREAT nation.

AND YOU ARE GOING TO PAY FOR IT.

City: Reno, NV

Did you know that the actual school name of our upcoming opponent is actually University of Nevada, Reno? Did you also know that Reno is a sweaty butt-town that is just desperate enough to try and act like Vegas’ ugly cousin? The Troll is just full of facts.

Reno is also one of those cities who decided they needed a slogan so people could remember something about them other than the smell. So back in 1929, the mayor decided to have a contest where the citizens of Reno would submit their recommendations. This sounds all well and good, but it turned out none of the submissions were worth a shit. Reno then had to offer a $100 reward like the desperate assholes they are. They then finally received a slogan that was deemed suitable enough in, “Reno, The Biggest Little City in the World” from.....some dude from Sacramento. LOL.

Oh and just so you know, the Des Moines metro area has about 200,000 more people than Reno’s.

TAKE YOUR STUPID SIGN DOWN PLZ.

Arena: Lawlor Events Center

The Lawlor Events Center is a largely unimportant, 11,536 capacity arena built in 1983 where the Wolf Pack play all their basketball games. After extensive research on Wikipedia, I am now exceedingly more uninterested in this arena and the people of Reno in general.

The only thing that had any sort of relevance to this blog was who this arena was named after. It was named after Jake Lawlor, a “legendary” figure in the University of Nevada, Reno athletics world. Old Jake put up “legendary” career record as the football coach of 6-11, and 204-156 as the basketball coach. After his amazing run of coaching, he then went on to be the athletic director for whatever who gives a shit.

The Troll has another fun fact for you though! Our boy Jake was from a little place called Victor, IA. You idiots from Nevada must have had a severe case of radiation poisoning from all the nuke testing they did back then. How else could you make some aggressively average dude from our state a “legend”? He knew some sports stuff and wasn't from Nevada so you figured he knew what he was doing. Not a bad theory, honestly.

Mascot: The Wolf Pack

Here is another thing that the people of Nevada insist on being a certain way. “It’s two words with a capital P, dammit”. Go get stranded in Donner Pass, please.

But as they are the “Wolf Pack,” they do have a pack of wolves as their mascots. The current mascots are Alphie, Wolfie Jr., and Luna. Look at these blubbering non-evolved dogs:

I see your anthropomorphized female wolf doesn’t have a number to be represented on the field. Hmmmmm. I think the NCAA should be notified and we should have women's marches all over the country for this disgrace!

BTW, I could totally take these scrawny male wolves in a fight to the death. Arian Foster was onto something.

Team: OH NO WE DON’T STAND A CHANCE!

This whole article was just a big ruse for myself and #cyclONEnation to feel better about ourselves before facing the mighty Mountain West Conference Champions. We might as well forfeit the game cause this is gonna be a bloodbath people.

Take it from Seth Davis, the expert analyst who ALWAYS picks chalk in the tourney:

This team should replace the Lakers in the Western Conference with this sort of roster and execution. Just an unlucky draw for our Cyclones, folks. It was fun while it lasted.

Coach: Eric Musselman

Eric Musselman is the handsome devil at the very top of this article having borderline inappropriate contact with his own player.

Coach Musselman is best known for coaching two NBA teams, the Warriors from 2002-2004 and the Kings from 2006-2007. He amassed a total winning percentage below .500 and was relieved of his duties from both positions. But during his time in Sacramento, Coach was cited for a DUI. The Troll is not going to lecture Eric here on the morality of driving drunk, that would be too easy. Plus, we should all be reminded of the name of the very website you are currently reading.

The Troll is actually much more worried about the fact that Coach Musselman seems to be a total lightweight. Here is the snippet from Wikipedia:

WHAT A LOSER, AMIRIGHT?!?

TROLL OUT.