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The NCAA Tournament Troll: Purdon’t Boilermakers

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Now that most of us have had two whole days to consider rational aspects of our upcoming opponent, it's time to NOT do that. This is your guide to prove that we, as a collective fanbase, are far better than those mouth-breathers from Purdon’t.

derp.

Welcome back! If you are joining us from #cyclONEnation, I hope you’ve been looking forward to this since our victory over Nevada. CAUSE THE TROLL NEEDS TO FEEL APPRECIATED TOO. If you happen to be joining us from whatever you Purdon’t bumpkins call yourselves, you’re in for a treat. I’m going to make fun of everything about your existence. And knowing you idiots, you will probably learn something from this piece.

Enjoy the hate, y’all.

State: Indiana

I’m sure people don’t remember where Purdon’t is all the time, but I looked into it, and it is in Indiana. You may feel the instinct to relate some of this back to your hated rival for obvious reasons, but you’re shitty Indianians too. Or is Indianaians....Indians? What the hell do you people call yourselves? But the real life official answer is “Hoosier.” This is the equivalent of the people of Nebraska calling themselves “Boring,” or the fine people of Alabama referring to themselves as “Racists.”

Want me to prove it? FINE, I WILL.

First off, the word apparently doesn’t even come from Indiana. Its origins come some other podunk place in the southeast United States. SMH, you can’t even come up with one name to hang your hat on for the past couple centuries. And second, “Hoosier” actually is, “a term for a backwoodsman, a rough countryman, or a country bumpkin.” LOL.

I expect you to come back at us with your best “Iowans are hicks” jokes, which are now fully invalid. I puke in my mouth at the thought of you.

City: West Lafayette

From my extensive research on Wikipedia, I have come to find that West Lafayette should not exist. It’s a bullshit city, in a bullshit state, and should have been been wiped away from the face the planet hundreds of years ago. Originally, some dude by the name of Augustus Wylie decided he wanted history to remember him by starting a town in a floodplain. Due to reasons unknown, the area kept regularly flooding and Augustus could never get his town started.

A small town of Chauncey (named after wealthy white people, of course) was eventually formed about 50 years later. As is tradition in Indiana, Chauncey was being run by incompetent dumb-taints, and had to vote to be annexed to the functioning neighboring city: Lafayette, IN. But at the same time, Lafayette voted AGAINST letting Chauncey join them since it would cost too much to bring that steaming pile of garbage of a town back to respectability. So to combat this crisis, the city just up and renamed itself to West Lafayette to try and fit in with the actual town across the river.

I’m not making this up. Your school was so embarrassed, the address for Purdon’t University was even given a Lafayette, IN address for a VERY long time.

Your existence is a literal joke.

Arena: Mackey Arena

Mackey Arena is where Purdon’t plays all their basketball games. It has a capacity of 14,804, which is actually slightly more than Hilton Coliseum. Apparently Mackey Arena is considered by “MANY” to be one of the loudest arenas in the country due to its “domed aluminum roof”. Sounds totally legit. Your arena must be nationally recognized as a tough place to play and maybe have a name it is know by? “Mackey Magic” is definitely available and totally not ripping off of a much better and recognizable arena.

Also, you named the floor at Mackey Arena, “Keady Court”. This gives me an excuse to post a very flattering picture of former coach and hair model, Gene Keady.

Soak it in.

Mascot: Purdon’t Pete and Some Trains?

Wtf? According to your own website, “the official mascot of the Boilermakers is a replica of a Victorian-era locomotive”. It strikes fear into the hearts of dozens:

Choo-Choo

That is not a mascot and I think you realized it. So you came up with a totally normal and not weird mascot, Purdon’t Pete:

HELP ME.

Okay, okay enough with the jokes. Purdon’t finally decided to add a third mascot that actually is not weird, stupid, or unoriginal. I present you with The Boilermaker X-tra Special:

choo-choo

I hate you.

Team: MONSTARS

Just like Nevada, we CLEARLY do not stand a chance against this All-NBA caliber lineup. They obviously used some voodoo magic basketball trick to steal the biggest and best traits of the best players on the planet. Look at the Galactus:

IT MUST FEED.

This Frankenstein thing is 7’2” and eats humans to sustain its life force. Its head resembles the shape of that one Scion car that should have been recalled back into the Sun. And this thing is not even the best player of basket sport on their team! They also sport a cyborg by the name of Caleb Swanigan, who happened to be Big 10 Player of the Year. Even though the Big 10 is slimy butt and home to the ultimate dick smoker, Dan Dakich, we should fear his skills.

Someone ask Seth Davis how we need to prepare ourselves for this Evil All-Star Team. HE IS ALWAYS RIGHT.

Coach: Matt Painter

Matt Painter coaches Purdon’t and his Wikipedia doesn’t say much beyond that. So in lieu of that, here is Matty getting ejected while getting peed on by Illinois.

TROLL OUT.