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Article Ideas We Would Have Done for April Fool’s Day

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We’re on our best behavior on this normally special day.

O.J. Simpson Seeks Retrial In Las Vegas Court - Day 5 Photo by Steve Marcus-Pool/Getty Images

Hello friends. It’s me, Fitzy. You probably know WRNL as “a satire site” or “the try-hard jokers” or “those assholes whose keyboards we should take away.”

Well, whichever one it is, you’re right. We’re the guys who made fake news before it was cool. But this year, we’re on our best behavior because we received SPECIFIC instructions to not do any fake stories on April Fool’s Day from our overlords at SB Nation. We’re in satire jail, in other words. We haven't done satire in ages and that's not changing today.

Thus, this April Fool’s Day, you’re getting a comprehensive list of all the ideas for satire articles we WOULD have done - if we weren’t upstanding citizens who always obey orders and never toe the line on controversy.

Please imagine the ensuing articles for each of the following headlines on your own, because we rule-followers won’t be giving them to you. These ideas were provided by various members of the WRNL staff, so don’t @ me in caps lock on Twitter when you get mad at one of them.

In no particular order...

WRNL RECEIVES PRESS PASS

WRNL Unblocked by Jamie Pollard

(funny story, we’ve never actually been blocked by the master blocker)

WRNL Sold to CycloneFanatic

CycloneFanatic Acquired by WRNL

Charter House Real Estate to Become WRNL Real Estate

FAWcast to Become THOTcast

(Thursday Off Topic Podcast)

WRNL Promotes ClonesJer to Managing Editor

CORRECTION: WRNL Promtes ClonesJr to Manageing Editor

ClonesJer Doesn’t Make Pun This Time

WRNL Announces Hiring of Patrick Vint

Randy Peterson’s Leg: The Untold Story of the Inside Job

WRNL EXCLUSIVE: Ed Podolak Runs SoundOFF Twitter Account

BHGP Closes Shop, Says ‘WRNL is Better at Satirizing Us Than We Are’

WRNL to Fund ANAL Education for Impoverished Iowa City Lawyers

Hoiberg Announces Entire Tenure With Bulls Was Elaborate April Fool’s Joke, Returning Monday

Fran McCaffery to Head ANAL Program on Courtroom Behavior

Ricky Stanzi Found Defecating on American Flag

Travis Hines Actually As Important As He Thinks He Is

BREAKING: ISU to Change School Mascot to Fighting Little Brothers

Area Iowa Fan Says He Doesn’t Care About Cyclones, But is Mad Online

DEVELOPING: Devout WRNL Reader Thinks Natty Lite is ‘Ok, I Guess’

EXCLUSIVE: Investigation Reveals Heaven to be Fully Stocked with Natty Light

Matt Brown to Head Up Maize & Brew

FOOTBALL: ISU to Replace Siren with Clown Car Horn

FOOTBALL: ISU to Replace Siren with Fart Noise

Matt Campbell to Star in Adult Film ‘A Porn is Brewing’

Jacob Park to Change Name to Jacob Field to Better Reflect Sports Outlook

“Parks are for baseball. Football is the answer to all of life’s questions,” Park said.

Steven Leath and Gene Chizik to Fund North End Zone

CyHawk Trophy to Get Facelift Yet Again

UPDATE: Area Preschooler Wins Design Competition

Gene Chizik to Play Benefit Concert at Auburn

-Just a bunch of GIFs of Gene from Bob’s Burgers-

Local Woman Discovers Lancelot and Elaine Both Female, Sobs Uncontrollably

Jamie Pollard Trading in Windbreaker for Wife Beater

Jamie Pollard Lets Loose, Untucks Windbreaker

“I had a couple Natty Lights and said to hell with it, this isn’t the office, I can relax a bit.”

Jamie Pollard Seen Wearing Un-Pleated Khakis

Jamie Pollard Ditches Transition Lenses for Prescription Sunglasses

BREAKING: Iowa State Students Stop, Wait for Cars to Pass on Campus

Yeah, I just thought one day, like, what if I waited for the cars instead of them waiting for me?” said junior Carrie Union. “I usually dart randomly into the street liked a coked-up leucistic squirrel, but college is all about having new experiences, you know?”

BREAKING: Iowa State Student Caught Answering Clicker Questions for Buddies

UPDATE: Student Caught with Gym Bag Full of Clickers

Albino Squirrel Confirmed as Michael Jackson Reincarnate

Es Tas to Move Taco Tuesdays to Wednesdays, No Name Change Anticipated

Tyler Ellerman to Have Jersey Retired

Iowa State Daily Stops Stealing WRNL Writers

Their editorial board thanked the WRNL staff for providing the Daily’s best eye for talent.

Aaron Marner Travels South of Des Moines for First Time

BREAKING: Randy Peterson Asks a Good Question

Brent Blum Found to be All Kentucky Fans Threatening John Higgins on Internet

Mark Charter Pens Book: ‘Money Isn’t Everything’

Lazard Family Reveals It’s Actually Pronounced ‘Lizard’

They were just too Iowa-nice to correct anyone.

Maybe Tom Brands Isn’t So Bad After All

WRESTLING: That Guy Probably Was Stalling

Iowa State Announces Alternate Blue Uniforms for 2018

Iowa State to Demolish Hilton Coliseum, Plans to Build Specialty Booing Chamber

BREAKING: Chris Williams Prefers Natty Light to Busch Light

Baby Prohm Arrives: Wife Decides to Name Him Fred

Baby Prohm's First Word: Da... Da ... You Should Have Went with the Small Lineup Earlier Against Purdue

Prohm Uses Timeout After Opponent’s Made Basket

Monte Morris Opens Bakery Specializing in Turnovers

Fran McCaffrey Took a Team with Four NBA/D-League Guys to Dayton and Lost in the First Four

Oh wait, that really happened.

Breaking: Wife Thought Something I Wrote was Genuinely Funny and Didn't Roll Eyes

Pollard Starts Pop Can Drive to Pay For New Football Uniforms

Monte Morris Turns Over a New Leaf

John Walters Asks Lady Gaga, "Where do you think you're going?"

Royce White Earns His Pilot's License

Royce White Taking Flying Lessons from Steven Leath

Joe Mixon Finalist For Norman, OK Man of the Year

Matt Campell Admits He’s Just Making It All Up As He Goes Along

"Honestly I just go with the flow and see where each practice takes me.”

Matt Campbell Has Doubts About the Process

Matt Campbell Adds Meteorologist to Staff

KCCI Expanding Drive-Home Forecast Into 30 Minute Weather Segment

Old Timers Petition for Under Six Timeout to Leave Even Earlier

Cyclones Announce Change To Preparation H Red Zone

Oklahoma Announces they will No Longer Play Boomer Sooner

"We sat through a Kansas game listening to Rock Chalk Jayhawk over and over and it caused a moment of self reflection.”

Boomer Sooner Announced as 2017 Cyclone Football Entrance Song

KU Builds New Dorm to House Lawrence Police Department

Kansas Football's Poor Performance Results in Boos from the Fan