Hello friends. It’s me, Fitzy. You probably know WRNL as “a satire site” or “the try-hard jokers” or “those assholes whose keyboards we should take away.”
Well, whichever one it is, you’re right. We’re the guys who made fake news before it was cool. But this year, we’re on our best behavior because we received SPECIFIC instructions to not do any fake stories on April Fool’s Day from our overlords at SB Nation. We’re in satire jail, in other words. We haven't done satire in ages and that's not changing today.
Thus, this April Fool’s Day, you’re getting a comprehensive list of all the ideas for satire articles we WOULD have done - if we weren’t upstanding citizens who always obey orders and never toe the line on controversy.
Please imagine the ensuing articles for each of the following headlines on your own, because we rule-followers won’t be giving them to you. These ideas were provided by various members of the WRNL staff, so don’t @ me in caps lock on Twitter when you get mad at one of them.
In no particular order...
WRNL RECEIVES PRESS PASS
WRNL Unblocked by Jamie Pollard
(funny story, we’ve never actually been blocked by the master blocker)
WRNL Sold to CycloneFanatic
CycloneFanatic Acquired by WRNL
Charter House Real Estate to Become WRNL Real Estate
FAWcast to Become THOTcast
(Thursday Off Topic Podcast)
WRNL Promotes ClonesJer to Managing Editor
CORRECTION: WRNL Promtes ClonesJr to Manageing Editor
ClonesJer Doesn’t Make Pun This Time
WRNL Announces Hiring of Patrick Vint
Randy Peterson’s Leg: The Untold Story of the Inside Job
WRNL EXCLUSIVE: Ed Podolak Runs SoundOFF Twitter Account
BHGP Closes Shop, Says ‘WRNL is Better at Satirizing Us Than We Are’
WRNL to Fund ANAL Education for Impoverished Iowa City Lawyers
Hoiberg Announces Entire Tenure With Bulls Was Elaborate April Fool’s Joke, Returning Monday
Fran McCaffery to Head ANAL Program on Courtroom Behavior
Ricky Stanzi Found Defecating on American Flag
Travis Hines Actually As Important As He Thinks He Is
BREAKING: ISU to Change School Mascot to Fighting Little Brothers
Area Iowa Fan Says He Doesn’t Care About Cyclones, But is Mad Online
DEVELOPING: Devout WRNL Reader Thinks Natty Lite is ‘Ok, I Guess’
EXCLUSIVE: Investigation Reveals Heaven to be Fully Stocked with Natty Light
Matt Brown to Head Up Maize & Brew
FOOTBALL: ISU to Replace Siren with Clown Car Horn
FOOTBALL: ISU to Replace Siren with Fart Noise
Matt Campbell to Star in Adult Film ‘A Porn is Brewing’
Jacob Park to Change Name to Jacob Field to Better Reflect Sports Outlook
“Parks are for baseball. Football is the answer to all of life’s questions,” Park said.
Steven Leath and Gene Chizik to Fund North End Zone
CyHawk Trophy to Get Facelift Yet Again
UPDATE: Area Preschooler Wins Design Competition
Gene Chizik to Play Benefit Concert at Auburn
-Just a bunch of GIFs of Gene from Bob’s Burgers-
Local Woman Discovers Lancelot and Elaine Both Female, Sobs Uncontrollably
Jamie Pollard Trading in Windbreaker for Wife Beater
Jamie Pollard Lets Loose, Untucks Windbreaker
“I had a couple Natty Lights and said to hell with it, this isn’t the office, I can relax a bit.”
Jamie Pollard Seen Wearing Un-Pleated Khakis
Jamie Pollard Ditches Transition Lenses for Prescription Sunglasses
BREAKING: Iowa State Students Stop, Wait for Cars to Pass on Campus
“Yeah, I just thought one day, like, what if I waited for the cars instead of them waiting for me?” said junior Carrie Union. “I usually dart randomly into the street liked a coked-up leucistic squirrel, but college is all about having new experiences, you know?”
BREAKING: Iowa State Student Caught Answering Clicker Questions for Buddies
UPDATE: Student Caught with Gym Bag Full of Clickers
Albino Squirrel Confirmed as Michael Jackson Reincarnate
Es Tas to Move Taco Tuesdays to Wednesdays, No Name Change Anticipated
Tyler Ellerman to Have Jersey Retired
Iowa State Daily Stops Stealing WRNL Writers
Their editorial board thanked the WRNL staff for providing the Daily’s best eye for talent.
Aaron Marner Travels South of Des Moines for First Time
BREAKING: Randy Peterson Asks a Good Question
Brent Blum Found to be All Kentucky Fans Threatening John Higgins on Internet
Mark Charter Pens Book: ‘Money Isn’t Everything’
Lazard Family Reveals It’s Actually Pronounced ‘Lizard’
They were just too Iowa-nice to correct anyone.
Maybe Tom Brands Isn’t So Bad After All
WRESTLING: That Guy Probably Was Stalling
Iowa State Announces Alternate Blue Uniforms for 2018
Iowa State to Demolish Hilton Coliseum, Plans to Build Specialty Booing Chamber
BREAKING: Chris Williams Prefers Natty Light to Busch Light
Baby Prohm Arrives: Wife Decides to Name Him Fred
Baby Prohm's First Word: Da... Da ... You Should Have Went with the Small Lineup Earlier Against Purdue
Prohm Uses Timeout After Opponent’s Made Basket
Monte Morris Opens Bakery Specializing in Turnovers
Fran McCaffrey Took a Team with Four NBA/D-League Guys to Dayton and Lost in the First Four
Oh wait, that really happened.
Breaking: Wife Thought Something I Wrote was Genuinely Funny and Didn't Roll Eyes
Pollard Starts Pop Can Drive to Pay For New Football Uniforms
Monte Morris Turns Over a New Leaf
John Walters Asks Lady Gaga, "Where do you think you're going?"
Royce White Earns His Pilot's License
Royce White Taking Flying Lessons from Steven Leath
Joe Mixon Finalist For Norman, OK Man of the Year
Matt Campell Admits He’s Just Making It All Up As He Goes Along
"Honestly I just go with the flow and see where each practice takes me.”
Matt Campbell Has Doubts About the Process
Matt Campbell Adds Meteorologist to Staff
KCCI Expanding Drive-Home Forecast Into 30 Minute Weather Segment
Old Timers Petition for Under Six Timeout to Leave Even Earlier
Cyclones Announce Change To Preparation H Red Zone
Oklahoma Announces they will No Longer Play Boomer Sooner
"We sat through a Kansas game listening to Rock Chalk Jayhawk over and over and it caused a moment of self reflection.”