Each year, the Central Intelligence Agency holds an awards banquet to honor achievement in the various parts of the CIA scope of work, including espionage, (REDACTED), (REDACTED), interrogation, (REDACTED), and (REDACTED). This year’s ceremony was held at the (REDACTED) Senior Center in St. Petersburg, FL, and was hosted by Agent John Smith.
Winners of the banquet’s major awards came from a diverse group of agents, including John Smith for Best Black Suit, Jane Smith for Most Inconspicuous Unmarked Government Vehicle, and John Smith for Best Christmas Party Casserole.
However, the most talked about portion of the evening was the announcement of a new interrogation technique, which was selected by the agency after reviewing a handful of options. The CIA occasionally adds new methods to its arsenal to increase its options. After the ceremony, CIA director Mike Pompeo commented, “Yeah, waterboarding gets old after awhile, so we just decided to try something new.”
The newest addition to the CIA’s repertoire? Bob Huggins’ “Press Virginia” defense.
Bob Huggins’ West Virginia Mountaineers have made a name for themselves with their aggressive full-court press defense by consistently forcing the opposing team to commit turnovers, while subconsciously revealing deeply personal information.
While the CIA could not divulge specific details of its new interrogation method, Pompeo did describe the general process.
“Essentially, the subject will be placed in a small office cubicle, and clubbed into submission by agents Carter, Miles, Bolden, West, Konate, and Harris until the victim turns over valuable information. It will be relentless, and take WAY longer than is reasonably appropriate.”
Other candidates to become new interrogation techniques included: listening to an audiobook of the dictionary narrated by Tommy Tuberville, becoming a human stool for Bob Huggins to sit on, living in Lubbock, Texas while Viva the Matadors preaches about how great their f***ing tortillas are, and subjecting the target to having every single part of their daily lives officiated by Big 12 referees.