Thousands of fans rushed the field Saturday night in an act of jubilation, shock, and celebration. The Big 12 Conference was NOT impressed, fining Iowa State an unpresidented amount of $25,000.
The good news is Jamie Pollard has taken a page from the conference handbook and issued an apology letter to the Big 12, which will immediately clear Iowa State of any wrongdoing.
Apology letters are nothing new between these two star-crossed lovers. The Big 12 has issued an apology letter to Iowa State at least once per year for the last decade. They’ve even gone as far as issuing a preemptive apology letter for poor officiating.
When Iowa State completed renovations to the football complex, they even dedicated an entire wall to house all of the apology letters.
These letters have instantly made the Cyclone faithful feel better about the loss to Kansas in basketball, the loss to Texas in football and the most recent loss to Kansas State in Manhattan. One can only assume Bob Bowlsby and Dana Holgorsen will get instant warm fuzzies when they read Jamie Pollard’s letter.
Luckily for you, WRNL has obtained a portion of the letter after consulting with nearly a double digit amount of sources.
The Iowa State Parking Division just notified me of this fine. Holy shit! That is a lot of money. As I’m sure you are aware, we can’t afford to pay this amount. Our athletic teams will be sleeping on the floors of ballrooms for goodness sake!
What I am willing to offer you though, is one half-hearted apology and a promise that it won’t happen again until at least October 27th.
Please accept the included formal apology letter attached as a peace offering and as a substitute for the $25,000. I have your “Iowa State Apology Letter” Microsoft Word ‘98 template saved on my desktop so I just changed a few things around.
Any questions can be sent to midamericanenergyfield@firstname.lastname@example.org
As the football coaches say,
We will see if the Big 12 accepts this apology, or if they hold a grudge. My guess is the latter, and I don’t forsee any possible way they let the Cyclones win a football game this Saturday.