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Kliff Kingsbury Arrested for Breaking Into Nursing Home, Teaching Air Raid Offense to Patients

“I wrote you 365 letters. I sent you a new five-wide formation every day for a wasn’t over, it still isn’t over!”

Late Tuesday evening, Texas Tech head football coach Kliff Kingsbury was arrested at a nursing home in North Carolina after staff members saw the 39-year old drawing football plays in a notebook for resident Allie Calhoun. When questioned how he knew the patient, Kingsbury mentioned a long-standing relationship with Calhoun dating back over 70 years. Calhoun told the staff members that she had never previously met Kingsbury before the nursing home eventually alerted authorities. As Kingsbury was dragged away by local police officers, he could be heard shouting “So it’s not gonna be easy! It’s going to be really hard; we’re gonna have to pass on every single play, but I want to do that because I want you! I want to ignore the running back, forever, every play! Bubble screens and intermediate routes...every day!”

When asked about what Kinsgbury was explaining to her, Calhoun responded with doubts regarding the effectiveness of the offense. “This air raid offense sounds exciting, but I have concerns about its viability against good pass coverage teams, and its tendency to create short offensive drives that tire out a team’s defense from being on the field too much.”

One resident (who chose to remain anonymous) stated that Kingsbury wanted to recruit him to play linebacker at Texas Tech in order to bring some veteran leadership to the program. “That nice, young man asked me to play football for him somewhere in Texas. I told him I’d never been to Texas, but he said that Lubbock wasn’t as bad as everyone says it is. Oh! It’s time for me to lay down for my nap.”

Texas Tech University has not yet commented on the situation, and no determination has been made regarding Kingsbury’s status for this weekend’s game against Iowa State in Ames.