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Envisioning a 9-3 Season for Iowa State Football

No offense, but the Cyclones are winning the rest of their games.

Back in August, I had an epiphany regarding Iowa State football. The talent was there, the schedule set up well and there was no way that this team could possibly lose a football game.

A storm was brewing. Literally, and it cancelled the first fucking game. Just like that a 12-0 record was unattainable and our worries shifted to whether the CFP committee would hold mother nature against us (of course they would).

Well, three losses have sandwiched an incredibly entertaining win against Akron and I’m here to tell you it is time to put those “L’s” in the rear view mirror. The ceiling is the roof for this team and they aren’t losing any more damn games.

Iowa State defeats Oklahoma State (2-3)

Iowa State shows up anticipating a shootout with the Cowboys. The defense exceeds their lofty expectations and gives up zero points. The offense never takes the field when Oklahoma State is forced to forfeit the game.

Oklahoma State players never showed up to the team facility after learning their head coach had pulled all player availability.

Gundy may be 11 years removed from being 40, he may be a man, but he’s never too young to learn a valuable lesson when it comes to dishing out empty threats.

Iowa State defeats West Virginia (3-3)

The nationally ranked Mountaineers roll into Mid-American Energy Field at Jack Trice Stadium at Ames, Iowa at United States of America with an undefeated record.

They too, lost their first game of the year to Mother Nature, but fortunately for them their offense didn’t wash down stream.

West Virginia scores on the opening kickoff before getting shut out for the rest of the game. Kyle Kempt replaces Zeb Noland in the fourth quarter and instantly sparks the offense, resulting in three 45 yard field goals.

Iowa State wins 9-7.

Iowa State defeats Texas Tech (4-3)

There is no better recipe for a struggling defense than lining up across from a Red Raider defense. Jamie Pollard offers sponsorship for each offensive play to area businesses. As part of their donation they get to call the play they sponsor.

The first play of the game goes for an 80 yard touchdown after Wayne Morgan from Mid-Iowa Satellite calls an alley-oop to Hakeem Butler down the left sideline.

In total, the auction brings home an additional 1.2 million dollars in revenue for Iowa State and more importantly, a Cyclone victory.

Iowa State defeats Kansas (5-3)

Earlier this season the Jayhawks throttled a team from Power 5 conference. Unfortunately for them the remaining teams on their schedule aren’t from the Big 10 Conference.

The Cyclones roll, ensuring that Texas remain the only Big 12 school to lose to David Beatty.

Kansas self-imposes a bowl ban in an effort to avoid the sanctions centered around their basketball program.

Iowa State defeats Baylor (6-3)

With representatives from the Milk O’ Magnesia Bowel Game in attendance, Baylor craps the bed and Iowa State strains to push out just enough points as Baylor’s post season hopes go down the drain.

Iowa State defeats Texas (7-3)

Texas is losing to Iowa State. Remember when that was a thing? In an effort to get even with Tom Herman, the Iowa State offense puts up an ungodly 21 points to match the average points per game the offense scored during his time in Ames.

Iowa State defeats Kansas State (8-3)

Iowa State football losing to Kansas State has gotten old, like older than Bill Snyder. After receiving immeasurable ridicule for picking up penalty flags last season in Manhattan, the Big 12 officials decide they better just not throw any flags at all against the Wildcats this time around.

Iowa State struggles to gain any offensive traction with Kansas State employing a bold new strategy of playing 13 defenders at once.

The Cyclones prevail when Bill Snyder dials up an offensive play that leads the Wildcats to the wrong end zone. Cyclones 2, Kansas State 0.

The Junior Cyclone Club sends hand written notes to Snyder, congratulating him on a great first century as head coach of Kansas State.

Iowa State defeats Incarnate Word (9-3)

From a young age, John Walters was taught to never speak bad words. Heaven forbid, he speak Incarnate Words. After the opening kickoff, the godfather self imposes a punishment of soap in the mouth for an entire half. Brent Blum fills in and blasts the airwaves with Incarnate Word after Incarnate Word.

At half-time the FCC shuts down the Cyclones Radio Network and Brent Blum’s mother forces her millennial son to eat two tide pods. She calls it a punishment, Blum calls it just another Saturday.

Iowa State 45, Incarnate Word 3

While I am still running algorithms on post-season play, I can assure you that 9-3 will in fact earn the Cyclones a January bowl game, if not a bid to the prestigious Pinstripe Bowl in New York City.