For decades, the University of Iowa has been a world leader in being a better person than you, boasting multiple wildly successful campaigns to raise awareness for America’s need for farmers, which they are relentlessly supportive of, as well as our country’s desperate need for another lawyer. In light of Hawkeye Radio Play-by-Play announcer Gary Dolphin’s “hot mic” incident, the university has launched its newest initiative, America Needs to Put Its Head Down and Dribble Into a Double Team.
Athletic Director Gary Barta, one of the top members of his profession in the country, cited his belief in Iowa basketball’s new game plan to constantly dribble into double teams as a methodology we can all live by to improve our own lives and the country as a whole. “When things are going well, sometimes we as humans get complacent. In my time as AD, I’ve always done my job by the principles of ANPHDDIDT, making sure to purposefully and unnecessarily create adversity for myself to avoid complacency. In the past, I’ve done this by negotiating some of the worst contracts and contract extensions in the history of college athletics, and making a mess out of as many easy public relations situations as possible, most recently Mr. Dolphin’s ‘incident’. Now, Coach McCaffrey’s basketball team has finally adopted my philosophy to the basketball court, and I couldn’t be more proud. Instead of simply accepting and riding the wave of their long-awaited success on the court, our players have proudly begun to lower their heads and dribble directly into double teams.”
After beginning the season 5-0 and notching big wins over Oregon (31st in KenPom) and UConn (84th in KenPom), the Hawkeyes quickly vaulted into the top 15 of the AP poll, much to the dismay of nearly every statistical metric. However, Fran McCaffrey saw his team’s success as a potential issue, and decided to use it as a learning experience.
“I told the guys that if they keep blowing teams out, they’ll never learn to deal with adversity. During practice that day, I gave my team some of the worst basketball advice I could think of to see how they responded to a bump in the road. We squeaked out the win against Pitt, so we weren’t quite where I wanted to be, but after dropping the home game to Wisconsin and getting our face kicked in up in East Lansing, I think we’re finally on the right track,” added the constantly-enraged coach.
In order to keep the team focused on solidifying themselves through hardship, as well as kick off the new initiative, the Iowa basketball team will be wearing special ANPHDDIDT patches on their uniforms tonight when they take on the Iowa State Cyclones at Carver Hawkeye Arena in the annual CyHawk Series matchup.
“We’re really excited to add these patches to our uniforms tonight to really breathe the first life into the ANPHDDIDT program, and teach our players and fans that when the going is no longer tough, we must make it tough on our own.”
Barta also hinted at the possibility of the program eventually carrying over to the football team.
“Depending on the success of the program during the basketball season, we may consider extending it to football. However, Coach Ferentz has generally followed the program well, constantly finding new ways to lose football games they shouldn’t. During our 12-0 regular season in 2015, I became worried that Kirk would allow his team to experience unmitigated success without having to push through adversity, but he stepped up and led his team to the heartbreaking loss in the Big Ten Championship game to Michigan State, as well as the complete demolition by Stanford in the Rose Bowl.”
While it remains to be seen exactly to what extent the program will be utilized within the athletic program, the men’s basketball team will be the first to officially adopt the initiative wholesale.
Be sure to look out for the new patches in tonight’s game, as well as any inexplicable coaching adjustments and intentionally missed shots, as a signal of a complete buy-in by the players and coaching staff.