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BREAKING: Inspired by Louisville, Iowa State Announces Decision to Vacate All Sports Losses

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ISU now joins an elite club of schools to never lose, ever.

UAB v Iowa State Photo by Joe Robbins/Getty Images

Iowa State athletic director Jamie Pollard made an exciting announcement this morning following yesterday’s news that the University of Louisville would have to vacate 123 wins and the school’s 2013 men’s basketball National Championship due to a sex scandal.

Inspired by the thought of erasing the results of athletic events from the history books, Pollard, a man many people around the country consider a forward-thinker in the world of college athletics, informed the media that Iowa State University would immediately vacate all losses suffered in every sport in the school’s history.

“If Louisville can have their wins scrubbed, just like that, then why can’t we do the same for Iowa State’s losses, of which there have been many?” Pollard was quoted saying earlier this morning. “I’m seriously shocked that I’m the first AD to think of this.”

Pollard continued. “Not all sports have been impacted the same. Our baseball team hasn’t lost since 2001, so this is business as usual for them.”

The move to vacate all of Iowa State’s losses currently leaves the school’s football and men’s basketball programs with 520-0-46 and 1,374-0 records all-time, respectively.

Upon many minutes of further research, WRNL has reached the conclusion that ISU will join a prestigious group of institutes of higher education to never lose an athletic event, headlined by the well-known Trump University.

Head football coach Matt Campbell seemed ecstatic when WRNL caught up with him at media availability.

“This is going to help our recruiting so much in 2019. I can’t wait to get out there on the trail and tell recruits about our 6-0-2 all-time record against Oklahoma!” said Campbell.

But the impressive stats don’t stop there. Thanks to today’s announcement, the Cyclones now have a firm grasp on the following achievements:

  • An undefeated mark inside James H. Hilton Coliseum, no “Magic” needed.
  • The all-time best opponent winning percentage (1.000) in Allen Fieldhouse.
  • A perfect record against the Iowa Hawkeyes in every sport. (Iowa Corn is rumored to be ending their sponsorship of the Cy-Hawk rivalry now that it’s become so one-sided.)
  • The only team in NCAA history to never lose a game in the NCAA Tournament, College Football Playoff, or College World Series.

While head basketball coach Steve Prohm shared in supporting Pollard’s move, he also seemed concerned about the immediate future.

“When does this, uh, go into effect?” asked Prohm.

When informed all losses accumulated for the rest of the spring sports season would be included, Prohm let out a loud squeal-like noise and ran off in the direction of Duff Avenue, presumably to celebrate with a Prohmburger.

WRNL also reached out to former wrestler Cael Sanderson for comment. However, the only response he offered up was, “Losses? What are those?”

Stay tuned for more on this developing story.