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So You’re Sayin’ There’s a Chance: Why Iowa State Will Win the Big 12 Tournament

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No alternative facts here, this is going to happen

Oklahoma v Iowa State Photo by David Purdy/Getty Images

Unless you’re Derek Jeter, it is hard to earn some re2pect these days. Win one Big 12 Championship? They’ll say it is just a “tournament” title. Win another one? Psh, your coach is gone, good luck buddy. Win for the third time in four years? Fans of teams new to this sport called basketball will start saying the tournament needs to move from Kansas City.

So, why on this god forsaken flat earth does no one think the Cyclones have a shot this week in Kansas City?

They scared, and they should be, because it is going to happen again.

Even Texas football coach Tom Herman was flabbergasted when Matt Campbell offered him....a friendly wager on the opening round match-up. Word throughout the college football community is Matt Campbell is constantly making such offers.

We’ve pumped you full of kool-aid before, and we are about to do it again.

Without further ado, here is a completely honest and entirely plausible path to a fourth Big 12 Championship in five seasons for the Iowa State Cyclones.

Iowa State 24 - Texas 0

Those that say it is impossible to beat a team three times in one season have never kept tabs on the annual rivalry between the Big 12 officials and Iowa State University. In fact they are the only entity that poses a possible threat to father time.

The first step in repeating as Big 12 Champions is to take down the Texas Longhorns. Iowa State typically doesn’t mess around with this opening round stuff, but fans have spent so much money in Kansas City that Bob Bowlsby made sure Cyclone fans got to town even earlier.

Teams with a “Long” on their roster have won three of the last four Big 12 titles. Bad news, Texas has Eli Long on their roster this year. Good news, Iowa State has Jakolby Long on their roster.

Jakolby Long is a high school recruit while Eli Long is a transfer. Steve Prohm will get rewarded for doing things the right way. Advantage: Iowa State.

Texas may have taken the first two games this season, but they won’t take the third.

Sorry Texas fans, as Meatloaf says, two out of three ain’t bad.

Iowa State 66 - Texas Tech 10

When you reach into the pocket of your winter coat for the first time each winter, it is so exciting. Money! I’m rich! Finding your own money in your pocket is kind of like Texas Tech fans realizing they have a basketball program. It’s yours and its been there all along, but it always disappears by early March.

Iowa State already gave the Red Raiders one ass-whooping, and they are poised to do it again. In fact, Chris Beard has never won game against the Cyclones in March.

Jeff Beverly goes for 31 points on ten three pointers and a free throw. Chris Beard tears his other ACL holding the two Texas Tech fans in attendance back from throwing stuff onto the court in frustration.

Iowa State 93 - West Virginia 77

When these two teams met inside Hilton Coliseum it was not close. Hilton South will be no different.

Burton won’t dunk on any bitches this year, but Lindell Wigginton will.

Despite Iowa State’s incredible run to the Big 12 Championship game, Randy Peterson’s first question to Bob Huggins is whether he would be returning to West Virginia next season.

Huggins responds by encouraging Iowa State fans to rush the court win or lose Saturday evening.

The win moves Iowa State to Lunardi’s “Next, Next, Next, Next Four Out” and puts them in prime position for a bid to the CBI.

Iowa State 92 Kansas 89 (OT)

Thirty minutes before tip, Iowa State’s semi-final against West Virginia finally finishes up. Without time to shower, or change their uniforms Steve Prohm decides his team is going “skins”. Stormy Daniels, who legally changed her first name after becoming a Cyclones fan in 2000, even joined in from the first row.

With a depleted roster, and an unfriendly whistle, Iowa State is forced to finish the game with only four players.

After cutting down the nets, this group will forever be coined the “Four Skins”.

Steve Prohm tells his team he was “so proud” and confirms he is firmly entrenched in Ames for years to come.

The Aftermath

With two minutes left in the championship game, the Ames PD began greasing light poles, stop signs, and livestock in the area.

While what happens in Ames, stays in Ames, rumors have it that the party was a riot.

Iowa State would not be allowed to play in the NCAA Tournament after pictures surfaced of Monte Morris’ free meal from a couple of years ago.

Nick Weiler-Babb, the team’s barbecue expert, said no one in their right mind would pay for that meal.

There you have it, the path to yet another Big 12 Championship. Don’t listen to the fake news circulating. This team has eight players, eight jerseys, and ate Oklahoma Joe’s just last evening.

As they say on Dumb and Dumber, “So you’re saying there’s a chance!?”

Our 24-0 upset of Texas begins tonight at 8:00 PM CST on ESPNU