SATIRE: Colin Cowherd Arrested for Accepting Fake ID

Finally, an arrest pertaining to Iowa football that doesn’t involve the players.

Colin Cowherd, the widely-known and well-respected host of “The Herd with Colin Cowherd” on Fox Sports Radio, was arrested early Sunday morning for accepting a fake identification card.

While this arrest may seem shocking to some, the rhetoric often bandied about by Cowherd on his show has left many assuming this day would come. Colin was picked up by Los Angeles police on his way home from his night job, which is apparently tending bar at a Holiday Inn Express.

The incident in question, however, does not pertain to his moonlighting as the creepy bartender who always flirts with female patrons and calls them “babe”, but the only thing he’ll say to male patrons is “need a drink chief?”.

In fact, details of the investigation show that the arrest stemmed from a segment on his radio show from this past week.

While discussing his “final four” picks for the College Football Playoff, Cowherd mentioned Wisconsin having to travel to Iowa later this fall: “Wisconsin goes to Iowa, who has the best quarterback, maybe in the country..... Watch that kid be a top-10 quarterback: Stanley.”

It was this statement that led to his subsequent arrest.

Over the past few years, it has been well-established by the national media that Iowa is the “fake-ID” of college football.

Colin said it himself back in 2015:

And Colin doubled-down on this undeniable fact in 2017:

“Iowa is back at the player’s club, trying to sneak in with the same tired fake I.D they had last year. While most real powerhouses schedule at least one heavyweight matchup on the front end of their schedule, Iowa refuses to schedule any tough out of conference games.

This year, Kirk Ferentz dialed up the murderer’s row of North Texas and Wyoming.

Colin is sick of Iowa fans screaming for a seat at the big boy table with a fraudulent resume. Last year they lost at home to North Dakota State.”

Heck, he even capitalized on this widespread belief by selling “Iowa: The Fake ID of College Football” T-shirts on his show website.

Cowherd’s downhill slide really began last fall, when he said that Iowa was no longer the Fake ID they once were.

But this last act of brazen disregard for both the law and common sense led to his ugly and final downfall. Colin’s lapse in judgement that led to him calling Nathan Stanley one of the best quarterbacks in college football is, without a doubt, a heinous criminal act.

But accepting the Fake ID of college football that is the Iowa Hawkeyes? When Iowa has addressed their cupcake addiction by injecting Northern Illinois, Colorado State, Middle Tennessee State, and Miami of Ohio straight into their veins?

And then there’s Nathan Stanley and his numbers.

In the Big 10 in 2017, Stanley finished 10th in completion percentage (55.8%), 7th in yards (2,473), was sacked 4th most, and only threw for greater than 300 yards once.

Nationally, Stanley doesn’t even crack the top 50 in the following statistical categories for quarterbacks: Passing yards, completions per game, completion percentage, passing yards per game, passing yards per completion. Finally, he finished 52nd nationally in passing efficiency.

For comparison, through 9 games, Kyle Kempt’s efficiency rating was 11 points higher than Stanley’s.

But this isn’t about Stanley and his incredibly below-average passing numbers in 2017. This is about Iowa and their cream puff non-conference opponents and their division filled with Frosted cupcakes Flecked with powdered sugar and sprinkles.

They’ve managed to suck in yet another national media member into believing that their football program isn’t a house of cards held up by the delicious bed of fluff that is their strength of schedule year in and year out.

Hopefully, Fox will decide to discipline Cowherd with a punishment commensurate to the crime. And if they do, Cowherd will at least have ANAL to resort to, as Iowa will surely insert legal assistance since they were the cause of this whole unseemly incident.

Or Fox could pull a page from Kirk Ferentz’s playbook: Suspend him for a little bit, when no one really misses him, but be sure that he’s back just in time for the really important stuff.