Earlier this summer the boys in Vegas released their college football win totals and wouldn’t you know it they had Iowa State pegged at a laughably low total of 6.5 wins. I’m not saying that is fake news, but sometimes the truth isn’t the truth.
The original hype train conductor, AMar32, left for the fake news that is the Iowa State Daily. So, I’m here to give you a very reasonable and rational path for Iowa State to finish the regular season undefeated.
Grab your calculator or abacus because I promise there will be #analytics.
Iowa State defeats South Dakota State (1-0)
The pride of South Dakota comes rolling into Ames expecting to get the win. They are sorely mistaken as we all know NO ONE comes into THE Mid-American Energy Field at Jack Trice Stadium at Ames, Iowa at United States of America and controls the house that Campbell built.
David Montgomery scores four touchdowns, earning him a spot on the Mt. Rushmore of performances against a school from South Dakota.
The Cyclones best the Jackrabbits by more than a hare, 69-16.
Iowa State defeats Iowa (2-0)
Remodeling end zone seating is all the rage these days. In fact, after touring Iowa’s 2018 end zone project, Jamie Pollard announces they plan to do the exact same thing starting in 2015.
Hakeem Butler makes himself awfully familiar with new end zone in the first half after hauling in two touchdowns.
Kyle Kempt out-duels the nation’s best quarterback with the name Nathan Stanley and the Hawkeye fans are forced to wave their perfect season goodbye.
Jamie Pollard schemes a new way of saving on hotel costs, by convincing Matt Campbell to have his team spend the whole night in jail. This proves to be no problem when the team mistakes the Iowa City PD van for their Tri-State Travel bus.
Iowa State defeats Oklahoma (3-0)
Fresh off his stay in the Johnson County Jail, Matt Campbell takes the shackles off several prominent freshmen against the Sooners.
Colin Newell executes the center sneak play to perfection on an 80 yard touchdown run in the first half. O’Rien Vance sets a freshman record for sacks in a game with seven.
Lincoln Riley admits after the game their experiment of playing a baseball player at quarterback has failed. Matt Campbell confirms they have no intentions of inviting any Iowa State baseball players onto their football roster.
Iowa State defeats Akron (4-0)
LeBron James supplied Akron with the building, Matt Campbell and the Cyclones have volunteered to take them to school.
First period is relatively uneventful, but the Cyclones put together two touchdown drives during period number two. Thousands of fans show up tardy after halftime, missing Kyle Kempt’s first snaps at middle linebacker.
This one gets out of hand early and Matt Campbell brings in the red-shirt freshman Mitchell, who churns out some re-al nice runs.
Iowa State defeats TCU (5-0)
16th ranked Iowa State travels to Fort Worth to take on 10th ranked TCU, who is hungry to avenge their loss in Ames last season. TCU fans have this game circled in their palm pilots and set a school record with 9,556 fans in attendance.
TCU turns the ball over three times before halftime, making Gary Patterson sweat just a little bit more than normal.
Iowa State allows the Horned Frogs to get a field goal late to make the final score 55-3. Experts eliminate TCU from College Football Playoff discussion.
Iowa State defeats Oklahoma State (6-0)
The whispers have turned into small talk and the small talk has turned into chatter. There is something special brewing in the air in Ames, something special indeed.
The Cyclones, on the cusp of breaking into the top ten go into Stillwater and eke out a victory by the hair of their mully, mull, mullet.
The game is decided when Oklahoma State misses a game-tying field goal as time expires. Oklahoma State received the ball after a reception by Hakeem Butler. The replay officials determined that the ball had actually been intercepted by an Oklahoma State defensive back, who had left the game three quarters earlier due to heat exhaustion.
Iowa State defeats West Virginia (7-0)
Dana Holgorsen brings his band of brothers/cousins into Ames in a game that goes a long way in determining the Big 12 championship.
Brian Peavy returns a missed field goal 105 yards for a decisive, fourth quarter touchdown en route to a 41-33 victory over the Mountaineers.
Iowa State defeats Texas Tech (8-0)
The last time the Red Raiders traveled to Ames, Kliff Kingsbury and current Kansas City Chiefs quarterback Patrick Mahomes walked out with a 56 point loss. According to the analytics, that is 8 touchdowns.
Unfortunately for Iowa State fans, they have to deal with Tommy Tubberville in Ames once again. The good news is they won’t be able to hear him. Just two weeks after Ryan Gosling was fired after a 2-4 start, interim coach Tommy Tubberville leads his squad to yet another embarrassing loss in Ames.
Iowa State defeats Kansas (9-0)
The Jayhawks are no slouch. Coming into the game with the 10th best scoring offense AND defense in the Big 12, Kansas earns the undivided attention of Matt Campbell and his staff.
David Beatty, who has slayed the dragon that is Texas Football in 33% of his coaching wins, wins the coin flip and chooses to kick off in each half. It’s a brilliant decision, because Kansas’ kick-off team would be left standing on the sidelines for the remainder of the game.
Iowa State defeats Baylor (10-0)
Upon NCAA review, Urban Meyer and the Ohio State football program were found to be lacking institutional control following the Zach Smith investigation. Consequently, the NCAA did the only thing that made sense and gave Baylor, a football program that has no connection to Urban Meyer, the death penalty.
“It is ridiculous, that an institution as clean as ours would be punished for the wrongdoings of another school. We’ve appealed and been told no, but our football program, specifically our players, will NOT take no for answer,” Baylor athletic director Mack Rhoades told reporters following the decision.
Iowa State wins by forfeit.
Iowa State defeats Texas (11-0)
In the days leading up to the game Tom Herman tries getting in contact with Brett McMurphy in an effort to accuse Matt Campbell of beating teams up. The effort proves to be a lost cause when McMurphy boasts about Matt Campbell’s character on his MySpace page and moves Herman out of his “Top 8” to make room for the hottest young coach in college football.
Julian Good-Jones records ten pancakes and a late touchdown reception on the tackle eligible play in the fourth quarter.
The MEAC and Mountain West conference begin to withdraw their interest in acquiring the Longhorns in the next wave of conference expansion.
Iowa State defeats Kansas State (12-0)
Isn’t it fitting that Iowa State’s first undefeated season comes down to defeating 105 year old Bill Snyder and his Kansas State Wildcats?
The Cyclones struggle to score early, when their first five touchdowns are called back for offensive scoring.
Corey Dunn runs a fake punt into the end zone from 85 yards out to earn the games first and only score of day. The drop kick PAT attempt sails....wide right, but the Cyclones walk away with a 6-0 victory.
There you have it, a rational, analytics-based argument for our Iowa State Cyclones going undefeated in 2018.
Start spreading the news, Iowa State is going to the College Football Playoff.