The Weekly Troll: South Dakota State

This week: South Dakota State University

Hooray! The Long Suck of the Off Season has come to an end and we can now all embrace our debilitating alcoholism in public and with pride! Don’t go driving your car after tailgating your face off though...there is no way you’ll get the same sweet-ass deal SDSU’s Football Coach did when he got his DUI.

I guess you’ll just have to read this entire hit piece to find out more...¯\_(ツ)_/¯

THE HATE IS BACK.

State: South Dakota

South Dakota is just your typical, middle of nowhere state with a near zero population and even lower interest level.

You: “Iowa is just as boring and unimportant as South Dakota!”

Me, an Intellectual: “Iowa’s population is ALMOST as much as the four least populous states in the Union combined...which includes South Dakota.”

South Dakota is also a state known for its Native American heritage. It was named after the Lakota and Sioux Tribes, even! But there was this small little massacre that happened there where the military murdered about 150 Native Americans...most of whom were women and children. Not good!

Oh and that was after they stole their land...again. The government was “gracious” enough to grant the Sioux the entire western half of South Dakota before The Whites decided they deserved it more and stole it fair and square. Good people you have up there!

City: Brookings

As with Stillwater, OK and many other “Western” towns, this place was named something super lame and without much thought or foresight. Sometimes these towns get named for the land and environment it inhabits. This isn’t especially creative but at least gives you a sense of the physical geology of said place. The other deeply stupid way of naming these towns is to name it after a greedy, flawed, usually racist, white guy. So here lies another place where some crusty old white dude decided to make A Place.

Wilmot Brookings is our greedy, flawed, usually racist, white guy in this case. He moved from Maine to Sioux Falls in search of opportunity and Native American exploitation. After a bit, he set out to locate a place for a town that was to soon be ceded by Native Americans. He then soon went out explorin’ and got caught in a blizzard and fell in a frozen creek...which back then meant you had to cut your legs off. Which is exactly what happened. But this town named after an inspiring buffoon, didn’t even really become a town until about 20 years later when a railroad decided to make its way through town. A university was founded there two years later.

Oh and ol’ Wilmot here only ever visited this stolen turd of Earth, TWICE. This dipshit was actually smart enough to avoid this frozen death trap at all costs.

I suggest you do the same.

Stadium: Dana J. Dykhouse Stadium

Here is another collegiate program who was gifted athletic relevance by a wealthy “banker” type giving a “donation” to the school. Not to mention, I am not entirely sure how to pronounce his last name. Either way I am having a blast doing so. Dear Reader, please get up and ask your co-worker in the neighboring cube how to pronounce this man’s name and report back to me. Should be fun way to break up a Fun Football Friday!

But our buddy Dana here is the CEO of First Premier Bank out of Sioux Falls and is the 13th largest issuer of Mastercards in the country. Impressive, right?

LOL NOPE THIS IS THE TROLL AND THE ONLY REASON I BROUGHT IT UP IS BECAUSE IT’S VERY BAD.

SERIOUS TIME - Mr. Dykhouse has been at First Premier Bank since 1995 and here is how he made his fortune:

First Premier Bank “is known for specializing in a wide range of subprime credit cards that are marketed to individuals with low credit scores.” In other words, this bank is essentially a predatory lender of the people who can least afford it. Here are a couple of their greatest hits:

• Paid a $4.5 million fine for deceptive practices 2007
• Offered a credit card with 80% APR and $300 limit in 2010
• Learned their lesson and lowered the card to 50% APR and $300 limit in 2011
• First Premier Bank sued cardhub.com for allowing customer to view rates and terms and also letting users review the card in 2014

This is all very bad. And I can say this cause the Troll is actually a real life banker in his actual real life. I AM CREDIBLE.

But the real kick in the nuts are the fees. Check this shit out via wallethub.com - a credit card review site:

If you want to really get your blood boiling, go on over to wallethub.com. There is much more horrible shit this company does to straight up gouge the poor people who need as much help as they can get.

This stadium, and the $12.5 million gift from Mr. Dykhouse, are a complete sham. This stadium is a monument to extravagant greed and how little we care about our fellow man. Tear this disgusting piece of shit to the ground and sell it for scrap. The proceeds can be used to refund all the good meaning people who were scammed out of millions. The hate is very real right now.

Mascot: Jack the Jackrabbit

First off, real original. What kind of unimaginative nincompoops would just take the first part of their team nickname and make it their mascots name?

Definitely not something we would do, NOPE.

And even more not like Iowa State, SDSU may have got their nickname from some genius newspaper writer who had a deadline to meet. I say may because they actually aren’t sure how they got it. At least they were self aware enough to know that they were just that unimportant, so they might as well forget their own history.

So that’s the story how they may have come up with their nickname. But readers, do you know how they came to name this cute little fur ball below? You’d think naming Jack the Jackrabbit would have been a very logical next step after settling on the name Jackrabbits AND should have taken two seconds to figure it out.

Nope. If you were playing along and clicked that genius newspaper writer link above, you may have read that was back in 1905. Jack the Jackrabbit, wasn’t named until 2010. It took 105 FRIGGIN’ YEARS to come to this brilliant revelation. Oh, and it took an online poll and a committee to do it. 2010 was well after the invention of the Internet AND committees. WHAT WERE YOU WAITING FOR?!?

Team: idgaf

The Jackrabbits made it the farthest they ever have in the FCS Playoffs last year. That was until James Madison nuked you into extinction to the tune of 51-16.

That’s all I need to know. We got this in the bag, y’all! I’ve learned enough awful crap about you, I can’t go any further. Gonna have to look elsewhere for critical football analysis of opponents I refuse to learn anything about. Ever.

Sorry to disappoint!

Coach: John Stiegelmeier

Jim Cowsert-USA TODAY Sports

Something You May Know: Coach John Stiegelmeier is the Head Football Coach of South Dakota State University.

Something You Probably Don’t Know: Coach John Stiegelmeier is entering his 22nd Year as Head Football Coach of South Dakota State University.

Something That South Dakota State University Doesn’t Want You to Know: Coach John Stiegelmeier was arrested for on January 21, 2018 for a DUI.

While it would be very easy to take some cheap shots at this, “Leader of Young Men”, I would rather just point out the hypocrisy of it all. While my brief Googling didn’t turn up any DUI’s by SDSU players while under Coach Stiegelmeier, it is hard to imagine there wasn’t at least one instance of this in his 22 year tenure. This just happened to an Iowa State player and he was suspended for a game. It also happened to Iowa. Hell, Iowa even suspended a dude for legitimately, yet hilariously, trying to be responsible and get an Uber home.

The point is, our universities and athletic programs somehow hold “student-athletes” to a higher standard than the “adults” responsible for them. This is especially true if said “adults” have reached untold heights of success for their respective employers. Most recently and prominently, we witnessed the Urban Meyer Conveniently Forgets Saga. Urban was suspended three games and that was (mostly) universally considered a sham.

I am here to announce to the College Football World, that Coach Stiegelmeier got a DUI and wasn’t even suspended. HE WASN’T EVEN CHARGED. He was fined a total of $650 and he is going to impose a “substantial punishment”...on himself and not tell anyone what it will be. HA! Grow a pair of balls and suspend yourself like a real leader you gutless putz.

I know I said I wasn’t going to take any cheap shots, but it was also publicized, for some reason, that the aforementioned “Leader of Young Men” gets drunk on “Joose”. If you weren’t aware, Joose is a horrible malt beverage that is in the same category as Four Loko. Real men drink Busch Latte or Natty Lite and DON’T get DUI’s.

If you have any other perfectly logical reasons for why we are better than South Dakota State, don’t hesitate to share in the comments.