clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

The NCAA Tournament Troll: Ohio State Buckeyes

Now that most of us have had almost a week to consider rational aspects of our upcoming opponent, it’s time to NOT do that. This is your guide to prove that we, as a collective fan base, are far better than those mouth-breathers from Ohio.

If you buy something from an SB Nation link, Vox Media may earn a commission. See our ethics statement.

Karma’s a bitch.

If you somehow weren’t aware, Iowa State plays THE Ohio State University. Some of you newbies may not know what the Troll does. I’m going to need you to sit down, relax, and learn to hate all things about THE Ohio State University. If you are a long-time reader, you may recognize this series as the Weekly Troll, but this is obviously a special occasion. The Troll had almost a full week to hastily research on the THE Ohio State University on Wikipedia. I will never donate to that site.


oh yes

State: Ohio

The Troll actually once wrote about the State of Ohio back when Matt Campbell was coaching in a visitor. Dark times. But the Troll wrote that when he was young and naive. Hell, my 401k wasn’t even vested yet. Psh. The Troll has grown so much since then. The Takes, hotter. The arguments more nuanced. These Takes have been precisely targeted to inflict as much damage upon an opposing fan base as possible. This damage will be swift and complete. So let’s start with informing you Ohioans about your own state.

Did you know, Ohio is the 48th state to be admitted into the Union? They originally tried to be a state all the way back in 1803, but Congress did the absolutely correct thing and forgot all about your dumbasses for 150 years. Took until 1953 before anyone bothered to give a shit and then Ohio did some 19th Century cosplay and delivered the petition to Congress on horseback. They “retroactively” made their admittance date to be March 1st, 1803...much like how they had to “retroactively” vacate all their wins from the 2010 football season. So Ohio State fan, which is it? Do you count retroactive changes to history or not? Do you count all the memories and wins from that season AND believe your state to have been formed in 1803? If so, you’re a stupid, dumb-taint. You can’t have both. PICK A SIDE.

City: Columbus

As you may have been able to guess, Columbus was named after the great man who discovered America, Christopher Columbus. And by great man who discovered America, I mean that he was actually a terrible man who didn’t discover America.

Columbus and his men brought disease, slavery, torture, rape, and famine to the New World. Columbus didn’t discover America, he just brought death and destruction to the people who did millennia before him. He wasn’t even the first European! Columbus was such a butt-toy, his own country arrested and briefly imprisoned him for the tyranny he imposed upon the native people during his reign as governor. This is the same country who at the same time was doing a little something called the, “Spanish Inquisition”.

You chose to honor this butt-stain by naming your capital city after him. I can only presume this is because he was a man of great character and leader of young men.

Remind you of anyone?

You should name your city after him

Arena: The Schottenstein Center?

Type “Schottenstein Center” into your Google Machine. The Troll can wait.

Okay, what did you see? This?

Sometimes my reading comprehension aint so gud sometimes, but I’m fairly sure that says, “The Schottenstein Center - Value City Arena is a multi-purpose arena, located on the campus of THE Ohio State University...”. This does not compute.

What in the cold hell do you people even call this place? If you call it, “The Schott” or something similar, you’re just praising a man who tried, and failed, to gift you a respected arena to spend your winters in. Are you proud of this place? Well, you shouldn’t be. Your student section deemed, “The Nut House”, was so darn rambunctious - y'all up and moved them around the arena due to, “criticism for lacking the energy and gameday atmosphere seen in many other college basketball arenas...”.

Sounds similar to another self-described Football School from the Big 10 who just happens to be playing in Columbus this weekend. Speaking of the Big 10, let’s see how this fearsome arena stacks up against its peers:

lol it’s like that entire Wiki was written by a Michigan fan. I heart it.

Mascot: Brutus Buckeye

This section is literally here as an excuse for me to post this video. I can’t get enough.

Team: Bubblicious

It is of the Troll’s my humble opinion, that any team that had a losing conference record should BE DISQUALIFIED FROM SPORTZ. They should be replaced with some other middling mid-major school that has far less talent, but way more heart. I’d rather have my Clones play against that no-talent asshat Rudy than D’angelo Russell.

Regardless of that fact, little ol’ Iowa State has more talent than THE Mighty Ohio State University. Please OSU Fan, present your counter-argument to that Take. You will be buried in an avalanche of basket game knowledge.

OH yes

Coach: Chris Holtmann

All I have to say about Coach Holtmann here is that both of the schools he coached at previously have now made the NCAA Tournament...WITHOUT HIM.

Butler made it last year and Gardner-Webb is surely going to upset Virginia this year.

I see no flaws in this logic.