The Iowa Department of Natural Resources reported Thursday that a mountain lion had been confirmed within the city limits of Des Moines. What they didn’t confirm is what the mountain lion did while in Des Moines.
After filing a FOMLIA (Freedom of Mountain Lion Information Act), Wide Right & Natty Lite got exclusive details on what the mountain lion did while in the Des Moines metro this week.
First, like any visitor to Des Moines, the mountain lion got a douchecanoe picture with The Travelers sign before mauling a passerby insurance agent.
After feeding their own narcissistic qualities, the cougar decided to stop by the Farmers Market.
Where, the mountain lion mauled an old lady after being hosed on zucchini prices.
After driving down 3rd Street and encountering some very annoying drivers and pedestrians from inside their 1999 Mercury Cougar, the mountain lion decides to relax by watching an Iowa Cubs game.
Unfortunately, the mountain lion is a Nashville Sounds fan, and after watching the Iowa Cubs score 15 runs in the first inning, the mountain lion mauled every Sounds pitcher.
The mountain lion’s next destination on their self guided tour of the metro was Valley West Maul.
Unfortunately, since nobody was at the mall, the mountain lion could not maul.
The mountain lion, as a connoisseur of Iowa history, then went to Living History Farms...
...After mauling everyone, the mountain lion renamed it Dead History Farms...
Following such a display of pure destruction, Dowling Catholic recruited the mountain lion to play against fellow 4A school, the Des Moines North Polar Bears.
Even though it was an away game for the Maroon, they still came out on top after a scrappy first quarter.
Following the homecoming win, the mountain lion went on a bit of a bar crawl.
Meeting fellow cougars at Denny Arthur’s...
Getting their paws stuck on the floor at Sips...
All in all, many people were mauled.