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WRNL’s Totally Official 100% Foolproof Guide To Getting Out Of Jury Duty

Ahh the #Slack. A mysterious, dangerous place full of blazing hot taeks.

In light of my recent selection for jury duty, I combed through the #slack to find some answers on what I should say that would successfully prove my insanity and put me back out into the world.

“In the WRNL Slack, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups. The contributors who investigate stories and the authors who troll the contributors. These are their stories.”

smddee: I got picked for jury duty. Someone tell me how to prove bias.

ryanstivers: say [REDACTED] a bunch

CycloneLarry: Erotically moan every time someone says something you agree with. Maybe spank yourself if it’s something super agree with or fart when someone says something dumb.

smddee: I’ll just fart

CycloneLarry: Physically take a dump on the case

JarLar: Say “Your Honor” to the foreman and “you’re honor” to the judge.

LeviStevenson: Plead Insanity

CycloneLarry: Say orgasm instead of organism. That’s how I never got picked to read in middle school science class

LeviStevenson: Tell them you believe the guillotine should be an acceptable punishment for not going under center on 4th and inches

CycloneLarry: That’s not crazy

ryanstivers: Yeah I mean, that’s not NOT reasonable

LeviStevenson: Declare punting inside the opponent’s 40 yard line an international war crime

ryanstivers: Atticus Finch. Overrated lawyer.

ryanstivers; “I would still date [REDACTED}”

CycloneLarry: Outlaw [REDACTED ISU PLAYER] having arms so he can’t shoot threes

JarLar: “Barstool is good”

LeviStevenson: Kombucha is actually a delicious beverage

Cydeliner: “Reality is just your perception, man”

JarLar: Cody Parkey is actually the best player the Bears have had on Special Teams in years

CycloneLarry: Sportstalkcrap actually has some good takes

Cydeliner: Steve Prohm actually really loves Terrence Lewis

LeviStevenson: Peeps are a perfectly acceptable Easter candy and Long John Silvers is one of the best fast food chains in America

JarLar: Devin Hester is a lesser Ryan Baum

Matthias: Wow

Matthias: Paul Rhoads had complete control of everything and it would ahve been fine if we let it play out

Cydeliner: [REDACTED] were actually good

CycloneLarry: Antonio Brown is just misunderstood

LeviStevenson: Jamie Pollard meant to hire Paul Rudd

Matthias: Ray Rice didn’t [SUPER REDACTED]


Cydeliner: Jay Cutler cared very deeply

Matthias: Vikings are actually a great organization

CycloneLarry: Ryan Kreiner actually has pretty nice hair

[REDACTED for Contributor’s Safety]: Iowa State fans aren’t emotionally unstable

CYdeliner: Steve Prohm uses his timeouts wisely

CycloneLarry: [REDACTED] was just trying to do the right thing

smddee: This chat is mostly constructive and full of rational takes