Given everything going on around the Iowa football program of late, many of you may be making your way through Iowa Twitter and Facebook for the first time, and encountering lots of strange and frightening creatures. Do not fear!
We have begun research on a comprehensive guide to all of the strange beings you may encounter during your journeys through Iowa social media, and are excited to share our early findings with you. We’re always discovering new creatures even scarier and more repulsive than the last, but this guide should help you navigate the wilderness for the time being.
The asshole tree Pokémon. Basically a cottonwood tree in Pokémon form. This Pokémon thrives on telling opposition that if they wanted to have an opinion on something, they should have beaten Iowa. And if they did beat Iowa, then what happened in the 80’s is still more important. This Pokémon does not evolve.
The arguing in circles Pokémon. BowlToy does not consider any opponent worthy unless they have competed in a January bowl game*. BowlToys recognize Tampa, FL as their holy land, and make a yearly pilgrimage to the holy land to worship the Great Pirate Ship from Heaven.
* “January bowl game” is loosely defined as any football game that takes place in the month of January regardless of ridiculous sponsor or actual prestige.
The deer in the headlights Pokémon. Stanzler is beloved by its loyal cult of followers who give profound words of encouragement like, “COME ON, STANZLER” - but is largely disliked among the larger community. Among other annoyances, Stanzler is well-known for sharing controversial opinions before ending up in the Canadian Pokémon League.
The flaming asshole Pokémon. Bartazard uses its large wings to fly above reproach, and often uses its fire breathing abilities, sometimes at random, and sometimes in order to cover up past mistakes. Its best ability is putting out fires with more fire, and enabling its subordinates to create cultures of fear. Trainers of Bartazard have reported erratic behavior, and a particular hatred of female trainers.
This bell-cow Pokémon roams the plains of both California and North Carolina, and is particularly elusive when being pursued. It is capable of dealing devastating damage with repeated uses of its deadly Rollout attack. Christian MilkCalffrey doesn't get offended by Poké-band farmer jokes, but instead embraces the cornfed lifestyle.
The lawsuit fox Pokémon. This Pokémon has a million dollar bill as a tail for each million in settlements Gary Barta has paid during his term as Iowa’s AD. As ten million dollars is quickly approaching, this Pokémon will have a tenth tail by the time it reaches Level 40.
The lazy pile of shit Pokémon. TOEpoke has no trainer or education. This Pokémon often exudes sluggish behavior, and typically fights by blurting out old, lazy takes. TOEpoke can be found in the wild by listening for its mating call, which sounds like a drunken sumo wrestler loudly slurring the phrase “The Big 12 doesn’t play defense.”
The two-faced Pokémon. This pewter Pokémon is often found perched atop a high horse. In battle, Trophius only “cares” about the fight if it wins. If Trophius loses, it will often claim that it only lost because it was the other Pokémon’s Super Bowl. Nobody likes this Pokémon.
The annoying bird Pokémon. PidJ Epenesa is often paraded about as one of the best early options for trainers. In the wild, PidJ appears to be a formidable opponent, given its fierce gaze and stature. However, trainers report PidJ succumbing easily to even mildly inconvenient challengers. Pro Trainers choose PidJ later than Amateur Trainers demand.
The astonishingly stupid mob Pokémon. This Pokémon is made up of a group of individuals forming a collective which often team up to argue nonsensical talking points. Dumbtrio’s individual members are indistinguishable from one another, and are difficult to keep track of. Engaging with Dumbtrio is not recommended, as the trainer’s phone battery may die quickly due to a barrage of notifications from Dumbtrio, all containing the same reply. It is often the Pokemon yelling “COME ON STANZLER”, at Stanzler.
This adorable Pokémon was murdered and painted on the walls of the away football locker room at Kinnick Stadium.
The over-confident bird Pokémon. This Pokémon is extremely confident in its ability in battle, often believing itself to be capable of beating every opponent it faces and claiming the title of Pokémon champion, despite its small and unintimidating stature and lack of historical success beyond “above average.”
Farfetch’d is so adept at this tactic, it is capable of convincing famous Pokémon analysts that its trainer is actually the best trainer in the world, despite them actually being aggressively mediocre. This Pokemon loses to Northwestern frequently.
NidoKingKong’s uses his sharp words to criticize others on his own team and his opponents. Often lacks situational awareness.
This Pokémon believes everything they do is theirs and theirs alone. Mr. Mine is famous for inventing the Gator Chomp, #Swarm20__ recruiting hashtag, the color black, and many other traditions extremely unique to him and his trainer. Mr. Mine is the only Pokémon capable of original thought.
Often an accomplice to Mr. Mine, Stealix can often be found stealing ideas for uniforms, hashtags, fight songs, and many other things. Once Stealix is able to successfully steal something of value, it often works with Mr. Mine to cover its tracks.
The angry sea dragon Pokémon. Evolved from a fish that whose only job is to flop around, GaryDos’ trademark Rage attack is often inadvertently seen by passersby. Its mouth is constantly open due to the sight of seeing its trainer’s fellow Pokémon put their heads down and Quick Attack into a double team.
The horny rat Pokémon. These Pokémon prefer to live in dark, filthy locations, and are often most active in public bathrooms. They thrive in large groups.
The bitter dinosaur Pokémon. ANALsaur is a humorless Pokémon, and becomes enraged when a joke is made at the expense of its trainer. In the wild, it can also be seen yelling at the sky for no apparent reason. Trainers are encouraged to use caution when battling with ANALsaur, as a lack of preparation could likely end in an uncomfortable situation.