REPORT: Matt Campbell to start OnlyFans account to offset salary cuts

Big news breaking for the Wisteria Lane crowd. Matt Campbell — Head football coach of the Iowa State Cyclones and sexiest man in Ames, (when Jamie Pollard isn’t in town) announced via a CamSoda interview last night that he will be starting his own OnlyFans channel.

In a call featuring myself and a handful of other media members, Campbell, dressed in an all black silk Mulberry robe, gave out the reasoning for his choice to turn to such entertainment.

“With the current state of affairs in the world and my staff looking to me for leadership, I thought it was only right that I help chip in to supplement my income in the most efficient manner I could think of,” Campbell was quoted as saying from a heart shaped gyrating mattress.

When pressed for what sort of content subscribers could expect, Campbell swirled a glass of red wine and smiled cheekily (playing with the gum in his mouth), “have you ever seen a 3-4 defense run it it’s purest form? Have you ever heard a man describe in full detail Adrian Peterson’s run against Youngstown State in the ‘99 I-AA championship game?”

He did not comment in what capacity gum chewing would be involved, or even what brand, but it is this reporter’s guess that some Bubble Yum or Bazooka Joe would definitely be in play at some point.

“Truthfully” said Campbell, pouring himself another glass of Yellow Tail Big Bold Red, “I noticed that the population of Iowa was 3.1 million and assumed at least 1.5 million of them would like to see me dressed in a scantily fashion. It came down to myself or Manning and I felt the need to step up.”

Off screen, we could hear Manning in a quick grunt thank Campbell.

“There will be a lot of bubble blowing, some ASMR techniques involving multiple pieces of the gumballs, scenes involving just one piece, maybe even some inter-flavor scenes, who knows? But I would be open to exploring something a little less PG” said the head of the football program.

With a subscription price sitting around $20 dollars a month for entry level contributors, Campbell said that most of the public stuff will be very low key — “You can expect a lot of videos of myself in a turtle neck, shorts and some Orbit while Heacock and I break down film together.”

When asked what sort of offers he would be willing to give a more premium member Campbell replied “That’s between them and I,” popped the bubble he blew, and winked at the camera.

“Without question,” said Coach Campbell, polishing off the Yellow Tail, “this is all about making sure my coaching staff can still provide for themselves and our families. At the end of the day this isn’t about what I gain, but what I can give back.”

While this is the first public announcement of Coach Campbell’s newly set up account, projections already have him at two hundred thousand subscriptions within the first week and with a price of $20 a sub, the ol’ Ball Coach is looking to recoup that salary rather quickly.