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WRNL Interrogates: a Duck

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We wanted to go straight to the source to get the inside scoop.

With Iowa State set to take on the Oregon Ducks this Saturday in the Fiesta Bowl, we wanted to get a perspective on the game straight from the source. The first duck we could find.


WHAM! The Quacker’s beak hits the table- comes up for air-CRACK! CRACK! To the head. WRNL is in front of him. The Quacker stares, fascinated. Bleeding.

QUACKER: Never start with the beak, the victim gets all fuzzy. He can’t feel the next-

CRACK! WRNL’s fist smacks down on the Quacker’s feathers.

QUACKER (calm): *quacks*

WRNL: You wanted me. Here I am.

QUACKER: I wanted to see what you’d do...and you didn’t disappoint. You let 3 teams win. Then you let Oklahoma take your place. Even to a duck like me, that’s cold.

WRNL: What’s going on with your offense?

QUACKER: Those ESPN fools want you to lose so they can get back to the way things were. But I know the truth: there’s no going back. You’ve changed things. Forever.

WRNL: Then why do you want to beat us?

The Quacker starts quacking. After a moment he’s quacking so hard it sounds like sobbing.

QUACKER: Beat you? I don’t wanna beat you. What would I do without you? Go back to ripping off mob dealers? No. No. No! No you- you complete me.

WRNL: You’re just a bunch of fancy uniforms.

QUACKER: Don’t talk like one of them, you’re not. Even if you’d like to be. To them, you’re a pretender. Like me. They just need you right now.

He regards WRNL with something approaching pity.

QUACKER (cont’d): But as soon as they don’t they’ll cast you out. Like a Group of Five team.

The Quacker looks into WRNL’s eyes. Searching.

QUACKER: Their rankings, their code; it’s a bad joke. Dropped at the first sign of trouble. They’re only as good as the SEC allows them to be. You’ll see- I’ll show you. When the chips are down these, uh, playoff committee members? They’ll eat each other. See I’m not a Pac-12 team, I’m just ahead of the curve.

WRNL grabs the Quacker and pulls him upright.

INT. OBSERVATION ROOM, WRNL CENTRAL — NIGHT

One of the Detectives moves for the door. SB Nation stops him.

SB NATION: He’s in control.

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM, WRNL CENTRAL — NIGHT

WRNL hoists the Quacker up by the neck.

WRNL: Where’s the passing game?

QUACKER: You have these rules, and you think they’ll save you.

WRNL: I have one rule.

QUACKER: Then that’s the one rule you’ll have to break to know the truth.

WRNL: Which is?

QUACKER: The only sensible way to live in this world is by running the football. And tonight you’re gonna break your one rule.

WRNL leans into the Quacker.

WRNL: I’m considering it.

QUACKER: There is just one day left so you’re gonna have to play my little game if you want to move the ball.......one way.

WRNL: One way?

QUACKER: For a while, I thought you really were just a no-talent midwest team. The way you lost to Louisiana...

WRNL drops the Quacker- rips up a bolted-down chair-

INT. OBSERVATION ROOM, WRNL CENTRAL — NIGHT

SB Nation moves for the door

INT. OBSERVATION ROOM, — CONTINUOUS

WRNL jams the chair under the doorknob- picks up the Quacker and hurls him into the two-way glass. The glass spiders.

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM, WRNL CENTRAL — NIGHT

The Quacker, bleeding from the beak, laughs at WRNL.

QUACKER: Look at you go! Does the Playoff committee know you only rank 57th in team talent per 247 Composite rankings?

The Quacker smashes into the wall- slides to the floor. WRNL stands over him, a duck possessed-

WRNL: WHAT ARE YOU GOOD AT?

The Quacker feeds off WRNL’s anger. Loving it.

QUACKER: You choose one scouting report over the other. A dynamic offense and a porous defense, or a terrifying pass rush with a bad quarterback.

WRNL punches the Quacker again. The Quacker quacks.

QUACKER: You have nothing! Nothing to gameplan against me with! Nothing to do with all your tight ends. But don’t worry I’m going to tell you how good the offense and defense are. Both of them. And that’s the point. You’ll have to choose.

WRNL stares at the Quacker...


Okay, so that didn’t go as expected....we may try to find a different duck.