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23 Minutes of Terror: The David Montgomery Not-Trade

From ‘Chicago has been fun’ to ‘I love Chicago’ and Everything in Between

NFL: Houston Texans at Chicago Bears Mike Dinovo-USA TODAY Sports

It all started with a tweet. What happened next was a chain reaction that put Cy-Bear fans in a nuclear meltdown.

It appeared former Cyclone standout, David Montgomery, was on the move at the mercy of the Bears’ endless search of a half-decent quarterback. I was able to sit down with our resident Bears fans at Wide Right & Natty Lite, and pick their brains on the Bears trading their best asset for a True Value Taysom Hill.

Dylan: Where were you when you first heard about Montgomery’s tweet, and what was your initial reaction?

Matthias: I was sitting in my underwear enjoying a nice cold beer thinking about about Brock Purdy’s throwing arm when I saw the tweet. To be honest, I almost went and ran through traffic. This was the dude that carried the Bears to the playoffs, saved Ted Phillips, Ryan Pace and Matty Nagy’s job and now you are going to trade him to the god damn Eagles?! Though, nothing would surprise me. The only person David Montgomery should be traded for ever, is Deshaun Watson. That is it! DON’T SCARE ME LIKE THAT DAVID. I love you though.

Dylan: How bad is Ryan Pace at his job? Is there any possible trade you dislike more than David Montgomery for Carson Wentz? Maybe Khalil Mack for Cody Parkey and a First?

Aiden: So, basically, Ryan Pace is as useful as a poopy flavored lollipop. The guy makes me do mental gymnastics everyday just to try to figure out what is going on. What is going on exactly? I think the only trade I would hate more is if Mr. Pace traded for Patrick Mahomeless (Mitch is my guy). At least we’re not the Vikings.

Dylan: What is the likelihood that Ryan Pace accidentally traded David Montgomery, even though he thought he traded Chuck Bruce instead?

Austin: Last I checked, David Montgomery was moonlighting as the Bears’ Wildcat QB. Ryan Pace’s track record at that position isn’t great (I hope Mike Glennon enjoys being rich), but at least we know Chuck Bruce hasn’t taken any snaps in the shotgun. I knew this wasn’t happening because there wasn’t any news of us trading 1st round picks away for no reason too.

Dylan: Did the Bears unknowingly trade their best RB, AND their best QB asset in David Montgomery? I’ve never seen him throw a ball, but could it be that much worse than Trubisky or Foles?

Matthias: Look, our very own Jared can throw the ball better than Trubisky and Foles. I mean, take a look at this form.

That is worth a first round trade up alone right there. Get on it Ryan Pace. On a serious note, at this rate the Bears are going to miss out on every quarterback option and Montgomery is going to have to play every offensive position we have. Which is probably ok, it will more than likely go much better.

Dylan: With David Montgomery presumably now in the NFC East, we are looking at a division of 3 standout running backs, and 4 shit terrible teams. Does David Montgomery make the Eagles a Super Bowl contender? Follow up, does Carson Wentz make the Bears a number one overall pick contender?

Aiden: I fully expect a 6-9-1 playoff appearance from the Philadelphia Eagles, where David Montgomery rushes for 2500 yards with 35 touchdowns. Do they have a chance to win a ring? Absolutely not. Will D-Mo have the greatest season ever? Idk, maybe. The Carson Wentz trade loops back to my mental gymnastics statement from before: what is going on? At first, I wasn’t happy. Now, still a little upset. That is all I have to say about that.

Dylan: Where was the first sliver of hope, that made you say ‘Hey, maybe my team didn’t make the worst trade in the history of professional football?’

Austin: Who says they still won’t? I wouldn’t put anything past this team. But for now, we know the real hidden messages are done in the “likes”. We’ll run with this as our message of wild speculation.

David Montgomery posted a follow up tweet that put the rumors to rest. Turns out, Montgomery just likes the city of Chicago and the people he has met there. He thought he’d send an innocent appreciation tweet out on a Wednesday afternoon, telling his city how much he liked them.

Dylan: When you saw the second Montgomery tweet, I’m assuming you were pretty relieved. How many minutes of relief did you have until you remembered you have a terrible head coach, a clueless GM, and not a single decent quarterback on your team?

Matthias: Full disclaimer. There are certain things about Matt Nagy that I love. Play calling is not one of them. He needs to be the CEO of the Bears and that is it. Let his coaches work. So he isn’t full terrible. Now Ryan Pace? Ted Phillips and the McCaskey family? Well they can all hit Lake Shore Drive and never come back.

Dylan: Do you think Cyclone twitter failed Montgomery by not preparing him for sending tweets that would IMMEDIATELY be regretted?

Aiden: Clearly this is not David’s mistake, as he is a perfect human. We can only assume that the Twitter sess pool has convinced everyone that every tweet is negative. He just wanted to thank the Bears, plain and simple. I blame Cyclone Larry for any misinterpretations on Twitter.

Dylan: How in the HELL did we get verified before David Montgomery? Did we personally steal his blue checkmark, and photoshop it onto our profile?

Austin: WRNL is a bastion of journalism and it’s about time @jack recognized. We need to be in a position to break news about David Montgomery or Chuck Bruce when he gets named MVP in 2021. The blue check should ease any doubters.

It would turn out that David Montgomery stepped in a big old pile of ‘oopsy’ and severely misunderstood the power of past tense. While he may not be a professional twitter-er, he is very much in fact a professional football player who ‘has been’ and will continue to be employed by the Chicago Bears.