SATIRE: Fran McCaffery Forces Connor McCaffery Into Transfer Portal

Iowa Basketball head coach and disappointed father Fran McCaffrey shocked the world today by announcing that he is entering his first-born son, Connor, into the NCAA Transfer Portal. After twenty-two years of Connor relying on his father for housing, food, Wi-Fi, and a single cold embrace each year on his birthday, Fran, red-faced and yelling indiscriminately at passersby, has apparently grown tired of his second-favorite child’s presence in the McCaffrey home.

While Connor’s initial refusal to move away from home to the University of Iowa’s sprawling, dull campus filled with high school burnouts and first-round Big Ten Tournament losses remains unclear, especially after “earning” a “full” “athletic” “scholarship” for the “basketball team,” it appears as though his lease has run out.

Former teammate and Kentucky guard CJ Fredrick also recently entered the transfer portal. In an interview with WRNL, Fredrick, unfiltered, added perspective of the campus, “I hated it. I moved in and my dorm room was painted pink. Every single time I wanted to go to class, I had to book a flight because the campus was so spread out.”

Connor is one of over 1,300 players to enter the portal in 2021, but he is the first to be entered by his own coach.

Coach McCaffery added that the decision was more than just because of the living situation, it involved his play on the court too.

“You would think after bunking together for 19 years Connor and his younger brother Patrick would have some form of chemistry on the court, but they have not shown me that at all,” Coach McCaffery said.

Instead of forming chemistry with his younger brother Patrick, Connor only passed to Luka Garza in the low block, which is an easier job than knowing how to play basketball himself or trying convince his father not to force him to move into the garage so his bedroom can be converted into a soundproof panic room. Coach McCaffery doesn’t believe that Connor has done anything on the court other than pass to Garza.

Although it’s sad for Connor, it’s an opportunity for him to fly the nest and be on his own for the first time ever.

“I’m actually pretty excited to be on my own, my dad is a terrible cook and is very hot-tempered when we play cards,” Connor said. “Because we lost in the NCAA Tournament so early, I had plenty of time to look at apartments across the country.”

Athletic Director Gary Barta was thrilled with the decision by Fran, saying “Having one McCaffery on the team is way too much to deal with, let alone three. I think that this a step in the right direction. Please excuse me, as I’m late to report to court for another lawsuit.”

Connor is reportedly trying to find another tall person to throw a ball in the general direction of, and will hopefully make a decision some time in the coming days.