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The NCAA Tournament Troll: Louisiana State University

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Now that most of us have had almost a week to consider rational aspects of our upcoming opponent, it’s time to NOT do that. This is your guide to prove that we, as a collective fan base, are far better than those mouth-breathers from Louisiana.

federal basketball investigation

If you somehow weren’t aware, Iowa State plays the Louisiana State University Tigers in the First Round of the NCAA Tournament. In honor of this and the Final Four being in New Orleans, I am having gumbo tonight. I am CULTURED. Some of you Youths may not know what the Troll does. I’m going to need you to shut up and get off TikTok or MyFace or whatever and focus on ME. This is a Safe Space… for irrationally hating all things Louisiana State University. If you are a long-time reader, SUP. You may recognize this series as the ol’ Weekly Troll, but this is obviously a special occasion. The Troll had almost a full week to hastily research every Louisiana State University on Wikipedia. I still have never donated to that site.

Let’s hate, y’all.

State: Louisiana

Do Louisianans say, “y’all”? I assume some do, but then I think about a stereotypical Coach O type, and I realize I don’t know what the hell you’re saying at all. It’s like you forgot how to speak French and then forgot how speak English. I am sure there is a sensible and historical reason for why the rest of world can’t understand you – but I will hear none of it. Literally, I can’t hear or understand you.

You’re in this weird mumble-mouth limbo where all the rest of us can only reliably understand “Geaux Tigahs”. And you nincompoops took that away from us cause he didn’t win two National Championships in three years. This wasn’t the only coach you fired this academic year – don’t worry we will get to that. But your lack of language skills must be contagious cause it seems your new coach was immediately infected with Foghorn Leghorn Syndrome:

Man, you know how to pick ‘em.

Did you know that Louisiana was named after King Louis XIV, the longest-reigning monarch in French history? Did you know King Louis’ actual name means, “Louis the God-given”. Unfortunately, it seems the citizens of Louisiana took King Louis’ given name a tad too literal when they enslaved other human beings for hundreds of years. They took their “God-given right” so seriously, that by 1804 New Orleans had become the largest slave market in the country. I gotta say, Louisiana’s history is just as bad Virginia’s.

But hold on there CYdeliner...that was hundreds of years ago! That was then, this is now. Gotta judge actions in the context of the world around them and the time they are in, ya know? EVERYONE WAS DOING IT (except half the country). Slavery is gone and no one forced us to stop via a brutal Civil War. We haven’t elected the Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan to the Louisiana House of Representatives for like...33 years! Everything is fixed and it’s all better!

While we have our human moral differences, Iowa and Louisiana do share something important. While I have my problems with the name, we both became official parts of the greatest country in the world, The United States of America (which you later seceded from) via the Louisiana Purchase. This is where our great nation (the nation you seceded from) doubled in size when we gave Napoleon like 4 bucks. Should have been named after a state that didn’t secede - like oh idk - Iowa.

Oh, and you call your counties, “parishes”.

You backwards swamp-people disgust me.

City: Baton Rouge

Baton Rouge is French for “Red Stick”. Story goes, that two indigenous tribes of the area settled a border dispute by using a cypress pole to mark the dividing line between their hunting grounds. This here cypress pole was not just a pole. It was a pole covered in bloodied animal carcass’ from the tribe's latest hunt. As is tradition in this country, some crusty white person comes along calls a certain place and names it after exactly what he sees. Oh and if you caught the part where this was active Native American hunting grounds and the French just rolled up and was like, “mine”. I am SURE this Frenchman gave the indigenous people a “strong ass offer” for the land.

A practice that future Louisianan’s no doubt inherited.

Arena: Pete Maravich Assembly Center

While I want to make fun of everything LSU, truly I do, but I cannot do that here. Pistol Pete is a Legend Among Legends. Pistol played in an era where he wasn’t allowed to play his freshman year or shoot three-pointers, and there was no shot clock. Despite all that, he still managed to become the all-time NCAA D1 leader in points scored with a career AVERAGE of 44.2/ppg. 44.2 is a figure that no Earthling will ever come close to - let alone top. The current second highest PPG is Freeman Williams from Portland State at 30.7. The third highest is all the down at 24.8 ppg.

I am convinced he was a time-traveler.

Mascot: Mike The Tiger

LSU has your typical mascot, a Furry cosplaying around a college campus. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. But upon my hasty research, no really seems to care about him. They are all about the Real Mike The Tiger. An actual tiger:

good kitty

While it seems like the real life tiger they have has a decent habitat for single Tiger in captivity, they did use to parade the kitty around on game day in front of thousands of screaming people. They did this until the ancient year of 2016 cause it may or may not have been a wise idea after one of the kitty’s death.

You’re probably wondering, why is the kitty named Mike? Or even, why is LSU’s nickname the Tigers? Pretty innocent and innocuous names, right? Mike’s name comes from the guy who was primarily responsible for bringing the kitty to LSU. The Tigers? Well...that’s named after a Confederate military regiment. So whenever an LSU fan says, “Go Tigahs”, just remember, it’s a confederate rally cry. NOT GREAT.

Team: Not the Football Team

As far as I can tell, this team is not the LSU football team. While they do play good physical defense with their superior NFL SEC athletes, I don’t see any shoes being thrown willy-nilly. All this time I have been making fun of your state, city, arena, and mascot thinking I was getting some SICK BURNS in. All in a big lead-up to the final two sections that are about the basketball team and coach. And it hit me - you don’t give a shit about basketball program. Who cares? It will never compare to Joe Burrow.

BUT! Sometimes you hire a guy who cares jusssttt enough to do some desperate shit to win a couple more games. Sometimes that guy gets caught red-handed. But no one in Louisiana cared enough to muster an ounce of moral courage (sensing a trend) to do anything about it.

Coach: Will Wade Bill Armstrong Kevin Nickelberry

Syndication: Tuscaloosa News
when the Strong Ass Offer don’t hit
Gary Cosby Jr. / USA TODAY NETWORK

The guy on the right in the above photo is Will Wade. He got fired. From an NCAA Tournament team....just before NCAA Tournament. An unprecedented and extraordinary move....that was somehow three years in the making. I could say a bunch of things about LSU has a culture of aggressive and reckless regard for the rules and competitive balance, but I’ll let Pat Forde of Yahoo take us out:

I despise you.

Enjoy the games, y’all.