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The Sweet Sixteen Troll: Miami Hurricanes

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Now that most of us have had almost a week to consider rational aspects of our upcoming opponent, it’s time to NOT do that. This is your guide to prove that we, as a collective fanbase, are far better than those mouth-breathers from Miami.

silly duck
Getty Images

If you somehow weren’t aware, Iowa State plays Miami in the Sweet Sixteen. And if you also aren’t aware of what the Troll does, I’m going to need you to sit down, relax, and learn to hate all things University of Miami. This segment use to be referred to as the Weekly Troll, but this is obviously a special occasion. The Troll had almost a full week to hastily research everything about THE U on Wikipedia.

I will never donate to that site.

Let’s hate:

State: Florida

This section is usually where I tell you, Dear Reader, about the State Florida and all that is wrong with it. But I’m not gonna do that that. I could talk about how it's a national punchline, all the Olds, Florida Man, The Seminole Wars, slavery, the Civil War, seceding from the best country in the world, the dinosaurs trying to eat you, snakes that ate the entire state, Disney World, mosquitos, lightning, and actual hurricanes. I could talk about that stuff and how embarrassed you should be of your state, but I’m not gonna that. Credit to me. Instead I am going to dedicate this section to a new found inspiration of mine.

The Troll needs to recognize true hate of the Miami Hurricanes. While on my half-assed search across the webz to find some dirt on the Canes, I stumbled across this Facebook group that left this troll in awe. Masterpiece after masterpiece of magnificently dumb photoshops. The Troll had to pay his respects. Game recognize game.

Head on over to my new favorite Facebook Group, Miami Hurricanes Suck and peruse the photos. An absolute delight. The pettiness knows no bounds and is only something for this Troll to aspire to.

This also gives me a reason to share some of these wonderful photos throughout this piece. It’s not stealing if I tell you where I stole it from!

yes

City: Miami

The Miami area obviously had a native population who unfortunately had to deal with European colonizers and their diseases for hundreds of years. Then when the U.S. took control of the area, you'd hope things got better. Well if you know U.S. history...things got worse. Like, nearly 50 years of wars worse. But hey, at least the town was kinda named after a nearby tribe? Fair trade!

On a slightly lighter note, Miami is known as America’s Drug Capital. At least you could be proud that your city was controlled by drug kingpins. A distinction only a few very select American cities can claim. Very cool!

Miami is also known as being a Bad Sports Town. No one goes to any of the games and I guess why would they? All the teams are middling snoozes who people only start to show up if it’s halfway through the 2nd quarter of an NBA playoff game. We should understand that they have been at the beach enjoying nose beers all day. Sports are boring anyhow!

Arena: Watsco Center

The Watsco Center is a 7,972 seat arena in Coral Gables. This is much smaller than our big and massive arena at 14,267. But we all know it’s not about the size of your boat, but has everything to do with the motion of the ocean. No judgement here!

The arena opened in 2003 as the University of Miami Convocation Center. Not too long after that, they sold the naming rights and it became the BankUnited Center. Then in 2016, those same naming rights got bought by a company named Watsco. Watsco, Inc. is the largest distributor of air conditioning, heating and refrigeration equipment. The only reason I wrote all that is just so I could write some killer air conditioning jokes:

  • Hurricane runs into a cold air mass at Watsco Arena, becomes depression.
  • What does air conditioning and the Miami Hurricanes have in common? They are cold and blow.
  • “Man, it's cold in here. Must be the Hurricane offense.”
  • You, a Miami Hurricane Brainless Dullard: “Damn the AC must be broke. Can you make it cooler in here?”

Me, an Iowa State Intellectual Savant: “I am not a big fan.”

  • Why are Miami residents so against air conditioning? Because they use OnlyFans.

boom roasted

Horns I mean U Down

Mascot: Hurricanes... err Sebastian the Ibis

What kind of people pick a school nickname that is a system of winds rotating inward to an area of low atmospheric pressure, with a counterclockwise (northern hemisphere) or clockwise (southern hemisphere) circulation...and then just go ahead and pick a bird as your mascot?!? That doesn’t make any sense! Who would do such a thing?

Miami, that's who.

Depending on who you want to believe, they went with the Hurricanes as their nickname because they wanted to either imitate the natural disaster OR the current players decided they would rather be named after the weather event that caused a recent game postponement. They went with “Hurricanes” cause the school at time wanted to be named after, “local flora or fauna”. That's damn shame, cause you coulda been the, “Miami TREE SNAILS

Oh did I mention those silly-dillys gave their bird mascot teeth? Birds don’t even have teeth! I have NEVER seen such a reckless disregard for weather phenomena or birds in my whole damn life! AND ANOTHER THING - ol Sebastian here is just a big fat goofy duck. An Ibis has a long, down-curved bill for eating gross crustaceans, bugs, and generally smelly things.

I’ll let you be the judge:

duck trouble

The evidence is damning.

Team: OFFENSIVE JUGGERNAUTS

As we’ve all heard, Miami is unstoppable offensively and Iowa State is just LUCKY to be here. Miami has an UNSTOPPABLE offense who surely must be ranked 1st in efficiency in the nation. It’s actually 18th, which if that were in the Big 12, would be third best. Not bad! That gets me wondering if they were in the Big 12, would their offensive efficiency be 18th? Perhaps not, being that the worst Big 12 team in defensive efficiency is ranked 68th.

Which brings me to my next point - Miami’s defensive efficiency ranking is lower than 68th - by a significant margin. The ol’ offensive juggernauts at Miami are ranked a balmy 121st on the defensive side. That seems to be a benefit to our Cyclones given their offensive....challenges, we’ll say. State is ranked 160th on that side of the ball but the defense is up 5th. AND YET. Our boi Kenpom (where I took all the above stats from) has Iowa State ranked above Miami in overall efficiency and has the Cyclones as a slight favorite.

HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

We must not stand a chance. Damn.

Coach: Jim Larrañaga

Better known as James Joseph Larrañaga or even better known as Jim Joe Larrañaga, is the current head basketball coach at the University of Miami. Jim Joe here is known for being a good coach ever since he led an 11 seed on a improbable run to the Final Four (A SIGN OF THINGS THINGS TO COME?!?) Which by most accounts, all that praise for Jim Joe is probably warranted. Except that one time where Jim Joe admitted to being “Coach-3” in the DOJ and FBI report on corruption in college basketball. Allegedly, he tried to give “Player-12” $150k to play at Miami. “Player-12” went on to play at UNC. Surely this coach won’t be replaced while on staff and the university openly hires some other guy. Surely!

LOOK AT HIM

Not to fret, Jim Joe denied the allegations! All is well! Only a totally innocent man would say that the report has brought, “a lot of very innocent people into the circle”. That's exactly what I say when a lot of very innocent people get accused of farting on the elevator. IT WASN’T ME.

Enjoy the game.