SATIRE: Kirk Ferentz to take 23andMe test to find new offensive coordinator

Following Iowa’s September 10th loss to Iowa State at home in the annual CyHawk Series, Hawkeye fans have been showing some displeasure with the current state of the Hawkeye offense, which has generated only one offensive touchdown (on a whopping sixteen-yard drive) and less than 300 total yards through the team’s first two games. In addition to those struggles, Iowa quarterback Spencer Petras is currently on pace to have one of the worst seasons in the history of the QBR (quarterback rating) metric.

However, an anemic offense has been nothing new for the Hawkeye faithful for the past few seasons, and they’ve started to make their frustration known.

Well, those frustrated Hawkeye fans may have just gotten their wish.

In a surprise (or not) development, Iowa offensive coordinator Brian Ferentz was put in timeout was relieved of his duties for his position as Offensive Coordinator today after coordinating one of the most inept offenses in all of Division I college football over the past few seasons.

Under the command of the most unlikeable Ferentz son, the Hawkeyes fielded the 8th-worst offense in the FBS in 2021 in terms of yards per play (4.55 ypp), finding UMass, Indiana, and Temple among its most immediate neighbors in that category.

In a press release sent exclusively to WRNL, Kirk Ferentz commented on the departure of his third-favorite son from the program.

“We appreciate the contributions of my son, James, er...Brian, to our football team, especially when it came to pioneering the trend of QB sneaking on third and three so we could sneak it again on fourth down. We wish him the best of luck in the future as long as he has his chores done when I get home.”

When asked about potential replacements to fill the offensive coordinator role, Ferentz said he was looking in a direction familiar to not only his own program but the entire University of Iowa athletic department: family.

Later this week, Ferentz will reportedly undergo a 23andMe DNA test in order to identify a handful of close-ish genetic relatives that might be capable of coaching and calling plays for the Hawkeyes.

Jeffrey Becker-USA TODAY Sports

“I’ve always said that your coaching tree should look as similar to your family tree as possible, so taking this test makes all the sense in the world. Hopefully, we can uncover a long-lost relative that knows a little something about four-yard out routes and running out of the I-formation so we can get this Hawkeye offense back on track.”

Brian and his brothers James and Steven all played for their father at Iowa before Brian was eventually hired as quarterbacks coach and later promoted to offensive coordinator. The hire was originally seen as Kirk potentially hiring and mentoring his eventual replacement, but it was not without some minor controversy, with Brian not having any experience calling offensive plays at the college level or possibly even throwing a football at all.

While we don’t yet have answers as to where on the Ferentz family tree Iowa’s next offensive coordinator is currently located, we here at WRNL will keep you updated as Iowa looks for the next coach tasked with calling a three-yard hitch route for a walk-on wide receiver on 3rd and 6 that ends with a football in the third row of Kinnick Stadium.