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Wide Right Natty Land

The Drunkest Place on Earth

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It’s here at last. Pollard’s masterpiece is launched once again now that were on the other side of a pandemic. In a press conference today, it was announced that Iowa State Univesity is going ahead with a commercial district in between Hilton Coliseum and Jack Trice Stadium. Here’s a tweet by professional journalist, Jake Brend.

Inspired by places like P&L district in Kansas City, Title Town in Green Bay among others, the hope is to give Cyclone fans a central hub for gameday.

However, CyTown (I prefer Tornado Alley, Cyclone Street, or Bird in a Blender Boulevard) wouldn’t be complete with a couple of additions. Jamie Pollard, if you’re reading this, first, thank you this is awesome, and second, keep these recommendations in mind.

Eustachy’s Sports Book With sports gambling legal in Iowa, can you imagine the popularity of a sports book on the Cyclone Strip? A butt load of TV’s, those scoreboard tickers that wrap across the whole room, and a bunch of Natty Lite’s for our king.

This one is kind of a joke, and kind of not. Central Iowa is lacking a real sports book, like I guess Prairie Meadows, but they don’t quite have the location that Eustachy’s would. This would be an ultra-popular post game spot, and a huge heavy hitter on non-gamedays like the Super Bowl, March Madness etc.

Steele Jantz’s Utility Store In honor of the most interesting man in the Cyclone world, main street needs this one. I’m envisioning a tow truck garage, with a laundromat, a gym, and a flute/woodwind instrument store. Hopefully Steele can come down from the Sierra Nevada Mountains and even cut the ribbon when this store opens. Hawkeye fans not allowed, obviously.

King Solomon’s If you don’t like what’s cooking, stay out the kitchen. Finding Solomon Young’s cooking Instagram page might’ve been the high point of the late Steve Prohm era. Young is currently on the roster of Brose Bamberg in Germany, but give it 5-10 years and see if he still has that cullinary itch.

This is another semi-serious one. If Solomon Young ever calls, you pick up that phone and listen. A 5-star Michelin restaurant in CyTown with a former basketball player as chef would be equal parts funny and awesome.

Plus, it’s something the olds can do while they gripe about black uniforms and tell war stories about how ‘back in their day this was all one big parking lot’ NERDS!

Georges Niang YMCA A pickup court full of middle aged crafty low post basketball players who are about to beat your team of college aged kids 21-2. When you ask to join the gym, employees will be required to remind you that Georges Niang did in fact play with Nerlens Noel in high school.

SenecaWas Inn We need a hotel. That ClonesJer guy would be a great addition to WRNL. (Issa joke)

Campbell’s I hope you like the color black. This clothing store is more emo than a My Chemical Romance concert in 2007. It’s all Cyclone gear, and it’s all black. The only bad thing about it, there’s always rumors that it’s going to close down and move somewhere else, like Los Angeles, or South Bend, or even Lincoln, Nebraska.

Busch Lattes The aesthetic of a trendy coffee shop with the clientele of dudes wearing Bomgaar jeans and the same Cyclone hoodie they’ve worn to every tailgate since they were 14. Also, if you ask for anything besides a Busch Light the staff just roll their eyes at you and give you a Busch Light anyways.

Will’s McDonalds Matches the color scheme, and sacks are free.

Dance Like Fish Aquarium Something for the kids. A state-of-the-art aquarium that has Juicy Wiggle on blast 24/7 and a constant light show that makes you feel like you’re one Vegas Bomb away from blacking out. Outside there’s a statue of Redfoo with animatronic fish dancing around him.

David Irving Stop Sign Memorial It’s a 4 way stop with 3 stop signs and one plaque politely asking David Irving to please return a stop sign.

Corn Call it tacky, but what else is ESPN going to show to let the viewers know they are in fact in Iowa. It doesn’t even have to be real corn, but if ESPN needs a cutaway shot or some promotions, it’ll save them some time if we have it right there.

HaHa Higgins A comedy club would be great after Iowa State loses in the most improbable way imaginable. Even better, we force Big 12 refs to publicly explain some of the worst calls in their career. Looking at you, Hollywood.

Little Brother Daycare Facility The most annoying Hawkeye fan you know runs this. Please don’t send your children here.

Steven Leath Flight Simulator If you don’t know, now you know.