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Iowa Announces Change at Quarterback

This article is satire, which means it isn’t real

COLLEGE FOOTBALL: NOV 20 Illinois at Iowa

A new era has dawned when it comes to the quarterback position for the Iowa Hawkeyes.

Iowa announced this morning that punter Tory Taylor will be taking the reins at the quarterback position for the remainder of the season, effective immediately.

“In reality football is about winning. And to win, you’ve got to make winning plays. When we think about who, right now, is making the most of those for our team, it’s clearly Taylor”, Kirk Ferentz said when asked about the decision.

While Kirk Ferentz remarked that he “didn’t anticipate any changes” following a dreadful 7-3 home victory over college football powerhouse South Dakota State, he quickly realized that change was needed.

Offensive coordinator Brian Ferentz also weighed in on the decision, saying “While Spencer did his best to execute our offensive game plan, Tory gives us the best shot to accomplishing our goals on offense.”

He continued, “When you run 3 plays before punting, you bring in a lot more variables. You could get a first down, you could complete a pass, you might even break off a big run. All those things put pressure on me as a coordinator and on our offensive unit as a whole. Our entire philosophy is based on the idea of the defense scoring, so the longer our offense has the ball, the harder it is for out team to score.”

When asked if the game plan moving forward was to punt on first down, Kirk Ferentz replied “When you look at our program over the long term, that’s always been our goal. Taylor gives us a tremendous opportunity to execute our game plan at a high level.”

Saturday’s offensive pillow fight featured two offenses that struggled all afternoon, and a look at the statistics shows the depth of the ineptitude.

Both offenses combining for 286 total yards meant that the yardage total was almost doubled by each teams punters in Tory Taylor (the MVP of the game) and Hunter Dustman.

While Hawkeye fans everywhere are celebrating the move, many are questioning the timing of the change. Spencer Petras has played several seasons for the Hawkeyes and his numbers are pedestrian at best, averaging a 57% completion percentage and throwing 19 touchdowns to 14 interceptions over the past two seasons.

While the defenses involved were salty to say the least, this sort of offensive performance left no doubt in fans minds that something had to change. Boos rained down in the stadium as early as the first quarter, and Tavern Hawks in small town bars everywhere turned their attention to the Northern Iowa game instead.

The announcement has already impacted the way Vegas views this matchup, as announcement of Tory Taylor starting and punting on first down has moved the line from -7 to -15.5 in favor of Iowa.