Look, it’s never easy working with your parents into adulthood. I’m sure even a few of us can relate to receiving an ultimatum to either get your act together or get out of the house. It appears that time has finally arrived in Iowa City. After much unfounded speculation, it’s now official that Brian Ferentz will be returning to his position as offensive coordinator at Iowa after the Hawkeyes finished 130th in the country in total offense. This time,
Kirk’s mouthpiece Brian’s boss Gary Barta has made it clear, improve or else.
The specifics that grabbed all the headlines: win 7 games at a minimum (no small task in the mighty Big Ten West). By the way, Iowa does not play Michigan or Ohio State this year, imagine that. And the team* must average 25 points per game. Failure to accomplish these goals will result in contract termination on June 30, 2024.
*Defense and special teams scores count towards this goal. Looks like Phil Parker and LeVar Woods will be doing the heavy lifting yet again.
Upon further review, this is hilarious. Count us in for the running tally of points scored in blowouts this fall. Every safety matters. Upon further, further review, we discovered some other fascinating provisions. Nobody wants to read contracts, but for a situation like this, our crack legal team at WRNL did the work. Turns out, there’s more to it than the stated goals in the press release. So without any further ado, here are some of the more interesting but less discussed stipulations in Brian’s new contract:
- If Iowa averages 25 points per game, not only does Brian return to his original salary, but the whole offense gets a pizza party paid for by Gary Barta’s legal defense fund
- If Iowa scores 40 points in any game, Brian automatically becomes the head coach
- Any game in which Iowa scores under 10 points will result in Brian not receiving an allowance for the week
- Brian’s salary will be further reduced by $5 for every 3-yard pass play called on 3rd & 7
- The goal of 25 points per game will be reduced by 1 point for every legal matter of the athletic department Brian participates in
- Brian is not allowed to use the following terms at press conferences in 2023: “upside” “10 wins in 2021” “Spencer Petras”
- If Iowa doesn’t win 7 games, Phil Parker will be replaced by James Ferentz
- If Iowa scores under 25 points per game, Brian is not allowed to watch TV after dinner
- If Iowa scores under 25 points per game, Kirk will start charging rent on February 1st, 2024
- If Iowa scores under 25 points per game, Brian has to attend every Illinois home basketball game in the Orange Krush student section
While extreme, Gary Barta is hopeful that these measures will finally stop Iowa’s offense from being so … offensive. Let’s see if this time the message is received, and if any opponents might let in a cheap touchdown to help boost that average in a non-competitive game.